Saturday, March 31, 2007

A Few Gems From Preschool

My nephew, Nicholas, age four, stayed over at my place the last couple days. His brother, ten-year-old Marcus, the oldest of all my nephews and nieces, is currently in Florida for Spring Break. He's visiting my younger sister and her family in Orlando, where he spends the days at Disney and the nights hunting lizards.

Nicholas misses him terribly. It's the first time they've been away from each other this long and everyday he comments, "Marcus is coming over tomorrow. We're going to play Batman and he's going to make me a real cool Batman car. He always does." The day I picked him up to come over to my place, he commented, "I'm going to fly down to Florida and get Marcus to bring him home." My older sister's life is a little chaotic and it largely impacts on the kids. It's not just a matter of Nicholas missing his brother; he's missing his support system.

Any rate, I always learn a lot when Nicholas is over. He has his pulse on the facts of the world, all the hot preschool news, and excellent explanations. Here's what you need to know:

You don't fart, your butt burps.

Jesus was shot in the back on Easter.

The animals at the zoo go to all the zoos around the world. They share the same animals. That's why some cages are empty, those animals are at the other zoos. That's also why many of the animals just lie there when you see them. They are tired from all the traveling to the other zoos.

When you die, they put your body in a container in a closet. That's where monsters come from.

Nicholas is pretty sure he does not have a girlfriend. He would know. The conversation went like this:

"I'm mad at my friend Mary."

"Why's that, buddy?"

"She said I have a girlfriend. But I don't think I have a girlfriend."

"You don't think you have a girlfriend?"

"No, I don't think I do. And I would know."

"Maybe Mary likes you."

"No, she doesn't. She put paste in my mouth."

"What? And here I am ordering you a pizza for dinner, when you'll just eat paste. I have some paste, do want it for dinner?"

Nicholas laughs so hard he farts.

"Oh, my butt just burped."

"Yeah, your butt is burping a lot."

"He's angry today."

Yup, apparently butts get angry. Must be from having to carry the load all the time when people sit.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Antonio and The Girl With No Self-esteem

One of the hardest things to do when touring as a comedian is to keep in touch with friends and family. You squeeze in a visit here and there while you're in town. You might get home after twelve hours of driving, rest for an hour, visit a buddy for lunch, then drive four hours for your gig that night. It's inane.

That's how I let a former friend, we'll call him Antonio (I never use real names when I'm going to write something unflattering about someone), talk me into going to see The Jerky Boys. I had no desire to see it, I had never heard of the Jerky Boys - who apparently taped themselves crank calling people as a form of entertainment - but I did want to see Antonio. So, he picked me up and we went to the film.

Antonio was very charasmatic. He also had a way with women. Think of him as Sam Malone from Cheers with a better build. I had never gone anywhere with Antonio before, we always just met at the place. On the way to the movie, he made an unannounced stop - to get his haircut! The salon we stopped at was actually closed and stopping made us late for the movie, so we had to go to the next show. I decided at that point that I would never go anywhere with Antonio again. Antonio knew one of the salonists, though, and she cut his hair while the salon was closed.

Imagine my surprise when the salonist told Antonio she'd be ready to leave in a minute after she cut his hair. Yeah, she was going with us to the movie. Here I was going to see a film I didn't want to see just to catchup with a friend, and he was blatantly squeezing me and an unwanted date into a trip to get his haircut and see a movie he badly wanted to see. I knew then our friendship was over; Antonio's actions spoke volumes about what he not only thought about the girl, but also what he thought of me. Too bad the girl had no such insight and no self-esteem.

I was puzzled why she didn't drive with us, instead choosing to drive her own car. At one point during the film, Antonio went for some popcorn. I took the opportunity to ask the girl why she drove separately.

"Oh, I met Antonio a few weeks ago at a club. We went out on a date last weekend to another club and he left with another woman. I live way out in the burbs and was stuck in the city with no way to get home. It was horrible. I don't trust him not to hookup with another women, yet, so I drive myself from now on when you go on a date."

Very reasonable. At this point, I don't think I need write another thing. For those women that might just be a little clueless, Antonio had no interest in the salonist. He did have an interest in getting free haircuts. You don't bring a girl you want to date out with another guy until you're a couple, you don't leave your date with no way to get home, and you certainly don't take her to see the Jerky Boys, which, surprisingly, was horrible.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Another Article and Story Coming

I will get a good story out on the blog over the weekend. In the meantime, here is the latest article I was asked to write:

I've been writing sample articles and submitting copies of my column for a dating/sex advice column for a major Chicago newspaper, so don't worry, I HAVE been busy writing.

BTW, thanks to anyone who's been spreading the word on the book. It has been doing very well on Amazon, slumped a little this week, but hopefully will come back strong soon. I've been getting a lot of really good reviews and word-of-mouth has been doing very well for it. So, hopefully it will all continue and I thank anyone who's been checking it out and talking about it. I owe the success to word-of-mouth coming off of reviews/interviews, especially on the Internet. Much appreciated!

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Lingerie Article

An important interview I gave on lingerie... conducted by a very cool co-writer:

Get your Irish on today! Or get on an Irish or whatever the saying is...

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Give Us Something To Work With, Ladies

All right,

I promised some dating advice for women, since I posted some a few weeks ago for the guys. I'm starting a new column for REAL CHICAGO magazine, where the plan is to take one question from each a guy and a girl each month. It will be called "Lunch is Not a Date: The Q & A." So, feel free to email me questions. Just go thru the site and click "About Ian" to reach me.

Here's a sneak peak, this is the question I'll be answering from a woman for the debut column:

I met a guy waiting for the bus yesterday. He was very charming and interesting. We had a nice conversation while we waited for the bus. When the bus did arrive, I was totally turned off. He stepped in front of me to get on first. How rude! I was so annoyed, I didn't sit next to him. Why are men so impolite and if I see him again, what should I do? - CTA Rider.

CTA Rider,

That's great that you met a guy waiting for the bus. It's a good place to meet someone. No noise, no distractions, no other guys interrupting, none of your or his friends to worry about appeasing. And he must have some confidence to approach you, out in the open where he could easily and noticebly be embarrassed. Plus, if you're unresponsive, he has to stand there next to you, waiting for the bus. He's willing to take that risk. So, there's a good chance he's a good find, at least enough of one to warrant talking more with him.

Good guys want to determine your level of interest. We'll do minor things to see how you react, to make sure we're not bothering you. If I meet a woman at a bus stop, we have a nice conversation, she's laughing, but I sense she's a little hesitant, I want to gage her interest. A great way to do that is for me to get on the bus just ahead of her. Why? I want to see where she sits or stands. My plan is to grab a seat next to an empty seat or move toward the back of the bus. Does she sit next to me? Does she follow to the back of the bus or stay near the front? If she sits next to me or follows, I take it as a very good sign that she is at the very least interested in talking more. If she doesn't, I take it as an indicator that she does not want to talk further and has no interest. I have to get on just in front of her, because if I don't, some idiot who's not paying attention might sit next to me or get between us.

Many women often complain about the men they meet and date. The men aren't sensitive or thoughtful. The thoughtful guy is reading women, like the guy who gets on the bus first to give himself a chance to read something. The thoughtless guy will let you get on the bus first, then continue talking to you, even if you sit on the back of the bus without any vacant seats nearby, despite the fact that the bus is practically empty. He'll stand there, talking with you, bugging you. And he may persuade you to give him your number and you may end up dating. If you want to meet good guys, you have to give us something to work with, ladies.

This is a case where you, as the woman, have forgotten your audience. Your goal is to meet a meet a good guy. Instead, you allowed yourself to quickly judge him because he got on the bus in front of you, failing to recognize why he might do so. You then didn't sit next to him, making it clear, in his mind, that you weren't interested. Too many times women have their priorities mixed up. Re-prioritize. Confusion in priorities often leads to dating the wrong types of guys.

What should you do? If you see him again, realize he probably thinks you are not interested. You'll have to approach him. Ask him how he's been doing. He'll take if from there. When you get on the bus, see what happens. If he gets on first, sit or stand next to him. If you get on first, get on just in front of him and sit next to an empty seat or push to the back and see if he follows. Come on, ladies, give us something to work with!

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Negligence Again and Latest Column

D'oh! I'm annoyed with myself for not posting more often. Fortunately, this has been a very busy week since my last post. Word of mouth about "God is a Woman: Dating Disasters" has greatly increased and my Amazon sales have jumped way up, passing numerous popular books by big publishers. To any of you who have been spreading the word and/or buying copies, I extend much gratitude. It has been a lot of work and the book is doing better than I could have hoped or realistically expected. Word of mouth is the biggest factor in book sales. Hopefully, this is just the start of a successful pattern, knock on wood.

My latest "Lunch is Not a Date" column posted. You can check it out here:

Have a good one, everybody, and thanks again!