Thursday, May 29, 2008

In the Cave

I'm kind of going into a cave right now to work on a screenplay I've been hired to write. Having a lot of fun and it should be quite funny; think Airplane and The Naked Gun. It's called Big Bahls and you can check out the details here: I'll update the blog as often as possible; "Lunch is Not a Date" will be updated weekly, as always.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Men are "Jerks;" Women are "Bitches"

(An advance look at next week's "Lunch is Not a Date" column)

We hear it all the time. “Men are just jerks” and “Women are bitches.” Whenever guys don’t behave the way a woman wants, she or her friends almost always dismiss the guy as “being a jerk.” When a woman doesn’t do what a guy wants, she is a “bitch.” Is it true? Are most of us men “just jerks?” Are women “bitches?” Mostly, no we’re not; the problem is simply a matter of perspective. Ninety percent of the problems in the dating and relationship world stem from failing to consider the other gender’s perspective. And little “expert” advice encourages us to do so.

For all you women who experience this, and there are a lot, pay attention: You meet a guy. He says he isn’t interested in dating anyone. You have a good conversation. He asks for your number. You give it to him. He calls a few times. You have a few dinners. You end up in bed together. This goes on for a while, then after a month or two you start talking about your relationship and he bails after retorting, “I told you I wasn’t interested in dating anyone.” What a jerk! Ah, nope, afraid not; instead of dismissing him as being a jerk, consider his perspective. He tells you upfront he doesn’t want to date anyone. Later, he asks for your digits. You give him your number. In his mind you just told him you are cool with some potential simple slap and tickle. He didn’t lie to you, he didn’t mislead you; he told you exactly where he stands. I know in your head you might be thinking, “Oh, he asked for my number because I am starting to get him interested in dating… now he’s calling… now he’s asking me to dinner… he’s getting more and more interested.” Nope, he’s getting closer to the slap and tickle. If you don’t want that, when a guy says he isn’t interested in dating anyone and later asks for your digits, simply respond, “Thanks but you said you weren’t interested in dating anyone, so I’m gonna pass.” It’s a no-brainer when you consider his perspective.

If you start to consider the other sex’s perspective, you’ll quickly see that we are “not jerks” and “bitches.” For example, a lot of times we men don’t call after sex because you lied and we lost interest. The woman who had green eyes, a 36-C cup, a tight ass, and I didn’t know smoked when we left the bar, just came out of my bathroom naked with brown eyes, a pair of double A’s, a fat butt, and a cigarette dangling from her mouth, now that she had removed her colored contacts, extreme push up bra, and three sizes too tight pair of jeans. We still sleep with you on the spot because… well, it would be rude not to. But don’t expect a call from us, ever. You’re the one who misled us, not the other way around.

Flipping it on its ear, a lot of guys call women “bitches” because when they approach these women and say something witty like, “My friend wants to meet you,” the women tell them they are “lame.” How rude of them. Again, consider the woman’s perspective. She and her friends take time to decide where they are going to go to meet guys. They get dressed up. They carefully choose between a dozen different pairs of earrings, several skirts, and thirty different shoes. In short, they put effort into going out and drawing attention. They want guys who approach to show some effort with some original ice-breakers and to be confident. “My friend wants to meet you?” Ooh, how clever and original, plus your friend sounds like a real confident man, sending you over to talk to women he likes. Score! Sorry to piss on your wet dream but she’s not a “bitch;” she just doesn’t want you cock blocking the guys she wants to meet and that’s totally fair.

Or maybe you buy a woman drinks all night, so you think she owes you her time, attention, and maybe more; please, like you wouldn’t turn down a free drink. She’s not a “bitch” for taking your drinks and then not giving you any action; she’s smart and thrifty.
The more attention you give the other gender’s perspective, the better you’ll relate and the more success you’ll have with whatever it is you’re after—dating, marriage, sex, increasing your Beanie Babies collection, getting a good reference for a job, whatever. And guess what? Dating and meeting people actually becomes fun, instead of a chore.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Blog Radio Tonight!

I will be on blog talk radio Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie tonight starting at 9pm CST. The show runs for an hour, give or take a few. I will appear beginning at about 9:15 but you should listen to the whole show to get the most information and entertainment. is the link for more information and to find out where to hear the show in your area.

Thanks for listening!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Astute Observation by Tucker Max

This is an astute observation Tucker Max wrote the other day on his blog about his film project; they are words of wisdom worth heeding:

My reply:

Very astute, Tucker. A lot of people never get this. When I toured hard as a standup I almost missed it myself. If you’re both lucky and tenacious, one day something you start as a simple hobby becomes a job. As soon as something becomes a job, it becomes very easy to overlook the fact that you have one of the coolest jobs that exists. A lot of people would kill to have the same job. You forget these things because your priorities change—you have to pay your bills, you have to keep getting work, you have to keep the job, and there’s a shit load of competition. I forgot this myself until I met a guy playing volleyball one night. He found out what I did from someone else and came up to me, “Dude, you fucking piss me off. I’m so pissed off.”

I had never spoken a word to this guy, so I was more than I little perplexed and braced myself for a possible fight. “How’s that?”

“I pride myself on having the fucking coolest job. I work for the FBI. I’ve worked there for over five years, I get to make up names and go undercover and all that cool shit. I always ask what people do right away because no one ever has a cooler job than me. Until now. You’re a standup comedian and that is the coolest fucking job.”

I had forgotten that; I had forgotten how lucky I felt when I got my first paying gig. After hearing his insight, I made a point of just relaxing and remembering how fortunate I was from time to time. Like you point out, though, the show has to go on; every now and then I would listen to myself during the act and hear what I was actually saying. (Most of the time you’re just in autopilot, telling your bits and ad libbing where needed.) I would smile and have to hold back a laugh; if I listened to what I was saying too much, I would lose my train of thought and the show would fall apart. It’s very ironic.

Now that I’m off the road, people ask me if I miss it and will be going back. “Nope, because I don’t want to do it full-time anymore. I enjoy being able to hang out Saturday night and meet the women I want to meet or to be in town and play volleyball on the beach all day. Trying to work the road occasionally as a standup would be like a crack head trying to take just an occasional hit or an alcoholic having an occasional drink. It can’t be done in my case. I’d be sucked back in full-time; it’s my tenacious nature and the high of being on stage.”

How do I cope? There’s always another way. I re-live my comedy stories from the road in a book. And there’s plenty more where that came from. I get to relax, take the jobs I want and enjoy my freedom writing scripts for hire and working on my own stuff. When big opportunities arise, I won’t have time to savor my freedom and good fortune, so I savor it in moments like this, when things are a little quieter.

I think you are doing the best thing you can do to appreciate the success and good fortune your hard work is bringing you… you’re writing about it. It will keep you appreciating it every time you make an entry, even when it is a chore to take the time and write an entry after a long day or week of work.

BTW, I just discovered these posts and they rock; I’m gathering a lot of useful info on production, something I intend to do at some point myself, for the same reason as you: to keep an idea intact and true. As always, thanks for sharing your experiences and knowledge.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

McCain Takes a Step Closer to Presidency

I have been blogging more about politics lately, obviously because of the primary process and because of the importance. Do you realize that if the dems followed the repubs procedure, Hilary would have been the candidate a while ago?

The system is so stupid I can't believe. I just can't believe it. And I hope the superdelegates are truly super in that they consider the stupidity and misrepresentation the system causes, and then vote accordingly. For example, compare last night's election results:

In Indiana, everyone was allowed to vote--Dem, Repub, Indy, whomever. In North Carolina, only registered Dems could vote. Okay... there was a strong turnout in both states, but in NC, the majority of the state did not vote. In IN, a majority did turnout and they barely chose Hilary as the winner. Obama keeps winning the black vote, most of who tend to be dems. Okay, again... blacks make up about 13% of the entire population. He's winning their votes in a lot of states that only let dems vote in their primaries and where many of the whites, a much larger population, are registered repubs. Why the hell does anyone get excited about such victories? They mean nothing.

Hispanics, now the largest minority population in the U.S., lean toward Hilary. Many of the states Obama wins vote overwhelmingly Republican in general elections (see the map at Hilary has won the large states and looks to win Texas in a general election, an important swing state, because of her favor among hispanics and blue collar white men. She looks to win Ohio for the same reason--favor among blue collar white men. In Florida, she would most likely win in the general election. Finally, the majority of our population is women; and, black, white, or hispanic, many will be inclined to vote for a woman; as opposed to whites and hispanics, who won't be inclined to vote for a black.

Obama is also open to more attack by McCain in the general election and McCain is already gearing up for that attack. Hilary winning would be a surprise tactic that would catch McCain off-guard and cause him to have to take time to regroup.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Other Candidate's Ministers?

Obama is taking a heavy hit about his former minister in the media, even still. What about these conservative evangelical ministers that back up candidates? They hate everyone who doesn't do exactly as they prescribe. Why doesn't the media highlight their hateful sermons? Why doesn't Obama point out that hypocrisy? Very poor journalism.