Wednesday, January 31, 2007

NBC Sports Marathon and TV Appearance

I was watching NBC over the weekend, just to have something on while I did some work. (ALWAYS seem to be working these days...) They showed their sports. They started with Snowboarding, switched to golf, went to tennis, then to Texas Hold 'em Poker, then to hot shot skiing, then to horseracing, then to hockey. Most of what they showed, they didn't show all of. My question: Who the hell is the golf-snowboarding-tennis-texas hold 'em crowd? What the hell do any of these sports after to do with each other? Oh yeah, they also threw in some figure skating. If you're into golf-horseracing-tennis-texas hold 'em-tennis, check out NBC this weekend! I'll be throwing in a DVD, myself...

Did WGN news yesterday. Feel free to give me feedback so I can improve for future TV appearances.

Also, my dating advice column "Lunch is Not a Date" debuts in WASSUP! LOCAL, a Chicago area magazine (monthly) with a circulation of 95,000. I'll post the column here when it comes out. They don't put it on their site.

Well, back to work...

Thursday, January 25, 2007

What Day Is It?

What day is it? Have that happen? Where you're just running around so much, you don't even know what day it is? I don't mean the date, I mean the actual day. Is it Tuesday? Thursday? You ask your friends, "What day is it, Friday?"

"Dude, it's Tuesday."

"Jesus, I'm not even close."

That's what I feel like these days. I was supposed to pick up my nephew at the airport like three days ago. He's five, I'm sure his fine. I'm just kidding... he's eight... I've been so swamped, I can't even think. I got a monthly column for a smaller magazine. I got an article to write for a website. I'm on TV next Tuesday (assuming I know it's Tuesday when Tuesday arrives). I have a bunch of other junk going on, too. I guess I'll have to update everyone in the next day or two. Until then, it's Thursday. Thank God for TV or I'd have no idea what day it was. That's how I know; I turn on the TV and see what's on. "Oh, it's Thursday. Cool. I'll have time this weekend to do all the things I should have gotten done during the week."

Friday, January 19, 2007

Why Attack L.A. or N.Y.?

Whew! Got an entry in this week; was afraid I MIGHT not make it... Been very busy, doing a few interviews for God is a Woman: Dating Disasters and a photo shoot for the book the other night. I will keep you updated here as the interviews, etc, appear. Also, I got a monthly column for a Chicago magazine. Again, I'll keep you posted.

I was sick the last couple days and rented some flicks to have on in the background while I worked away. Got several alien flicks. The most notable one was Independence Day. My question is: Why would aliens attack L.A. and New York? What's the point?

I could see why terrestial attacks would need to take place at these ports, to establish a footing. But extraterrestial attacks? No way they would EVER attack L.A or N.Y. NEVER. I had this discussion with a producer who read my script IP and liked very much that the aliens in there did not attack L.A. or N.Y.

Did anyone think when they chose L.A. and N.Y. as alien attack points? Clearly not. Why would they attack there? Look at a map of North America and think where would you attack if you were aliens that could attack at any point? Hmm... what would break an enemy? Look hard... think... hey, how about Chicago, Detroit, Milwaukee, Toronto, Buffalo, Cleveland...? The largest source of freshwater are the Great Lakes. The largest medium for transporting products is still the Great Lakes. Cut-off the water supply to most of the country, as well as the transporting avenue, you'll break the enemy pretty quickly.

Nothing too exciting here, I'm just really getting sick of watching aliens attack L.A. and N.Y. What the hell for? Are they pissed about Broadway ticket prices? Hardly the move of a more intelligent species. Take a little time to think, Hollywood sci-fi mongols. It will go a LONG way to making your flicks more realistic!

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Stem Cell Research = Longer Iraq Tour

In a press conference shocking constituents and opponents alike, President Bush announced today that he is now a proponent of stem cell research. Bush declared, “My eyes have been open to both the need and the—ah—ah—um—ah—um—ah—um—um—ah—the—ah—ah—provantages of stem cell research.”

Opponents responded in disbelief. “I’m simply in disbelief,” one commented. Others added a need to be wary. “We need to be wary,” one elaborated, “of his intentions. What’s driving this sudden change of heart and policy? I’m pleased with the change in position but I think we need to be somewhat skeptical of the driving force behind it. I don’t believe this is coming without a cost.” Former president Clinton responded, “I for one am very pleased. This is promising encouragement for the scientific community and hopefully they’ll be able to move forward quickly.”

President Bush’s constituents were furious. “This is more outrageous than Michael Richard’s rant in public. I can no longer call myself a Bush supporter,” remarked Bush’s former housekeeper. The announcement has caused a huge ripple effect across government.

When probed further by reporters, Bush stated that he realized stem cell research was important after recognizing that it will probably be difficult to grow the U.S. military to the number of troops he will need to fight the number of wars he has planned. “We need a military communitarium,” the President stated. In Bush’s vision, soldiers wounded in battle would simply have parts replaced and be sent back to the line. “If a soldier loses an arm,” he said, “we could just re-grow one using stem cells and send him back into battle. One soldier could be hurt like 12-14 times before becoming useless or dead.” When the President was asked if he thought that was unfair to soldiers and might create low moral, he said, “Heck no. I think it’s cool to . . . to . . . to re-grow an arm. It’s better than armlessness. This will make our guys fight harder. They’ll go into battle knowing they can get all shot up and get things replaced, like a car going to a mechanic. So they’ll fight harder, not less harder. This is good for us. It’s what the American people want.”

“Why do you say the American people want this?” asked one reporter.

“They elected me. This is the decision I’ve made. So, it stands to reason they want it. I mean really, that’s a no brainer.”

Bush promises to look into the benefits that cloning might have for the military, as well. “I saw that movie with the Jedi and those guys, where they cloned an army. That’s good thinking,” the President commented.

Sunday, January 7, 2007

Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning will not win a Superbowl. Sorry Indy fans, but it just won't happen. At least not the way he's playing right now.

Is Manning one of the best QB's ever? Yup. Is he a hall-of-famer? Ah, if he's one of the best... of course. So why won't he win?

Football today is not football of yester-year. Back when Unitas played football, players played just against each other. It was eleven guys on the field versus another eleven guys on the field. Manning would win titles back then, no doubt. That's his game. It's his mojo, his calling. He gets to the line, he sees the defensive scheme, he makes the call.

Today, football is something like forty-four coaches, a dozen statiticians, fifty-six assistant coaches... you get the idea, versus all the same positions on the other team. In the playoffs, Manning gets head-faked. Statiticians have a year of stats to know what he's going to do if they show certains schemes. They draw him into making the call they want, and he takes the bait. It's why he not only loses playoff games but why he often falls far behind and even loses big.

At the end of the season, the best teams with the best players, coaches and statiticians are left. Each week of the plaoyffs, the better and better of these groups are left standing. Manning doesn't use his coaches or statiticians much. He can beat the other guys on the field. It's all the other people on the field that he can't beat and he doesn't account for them.

That is why Manning will never get a title, unless, of course, he starts to listen.

Monday, January 1, 2007

2007 Resolutions

Well, it’s that time of the year again. Time to make those resolutions that I will follow for the new year. Yup, 2007 is the year I’m finally going to keep all my resolutions. I’ve made some important ones. Actually, I may have made too many resolutions for ’07, but I’m going to keep them all. You can count on it.

Workout Less. I went to the gym five times in ’06, which was just way too wearing on my body. After hitting the gym for the third time of the year in April and then going again in August, I realized I had overdone it. I couldn’t climb two flights of stairs on the Stairmaster, was unable to move up to heavier weights than I had used in April, and found myself panting on all fours behind the treadmill after only fifteen seconds of treadmilling. Clearly, I had hit the gym one too many times. I don’t know what I was thinking when I hit the gym for an overzealous fifth time in November. Obviously, all the excessive working out was not only debilitating to my body, it was also wreaking havoc on my mind. In 2007 I shall only hit the gym three times.

Start Smoking. A lot of people are quitting smoking, which means more of the cooler cigarettes will now be available. I’ve always wanted to smoke, it’s very cool. I see twenty-some-things lighting up in bars all the time and it is way cool. Most of the suave cigarettes, though, the ones that make you look like the coolest of the cool, are always sold out when I try to take up the habit. Not so in ’07. Lots of these cigarettes will now be available as more people quit smoking and as those who smoked the cool cigarettes for years die from cancer. 2007 is the year for taking up smoking.

Have Less Sex. In 2006 I had sex several times, which was way too much. This excessive sex along with my strict workout regiment nearly killed me. One woman even wanted me to go twice in a row, back-to-back. Was she kidding me?! I’m not a machine! I left and threw away her number. In 2007 I’ll be having far less sex.

Gain Weight. In 2006 I only gained five pounds. This is unacceptable. In 2007 I plan to gain at least 200 lbs. The U.S. has the highest obesity rate in the world and I’m not doing my part to contribute, failing to tilt the scales at a mere healthy 158 lbs. There are all kinds of advantages to being fat (should I write gravitationally challenged instead of fat in order to be politically correct?). If you are obese, you could make millions doing commercials about losing weight. You could get a reality show winning money for losing weight. If you get really big, you could make money working the talk show circuit. There are no such things for being healthy to begin with; there’s no reality show about who’s the healthiest or commercials for people who never had to lose weight. Fat is the new thin and I don’t want to be unhip; I’m going heavy in ’07.

Stall Career. In 2006, my career started to do pretty well. I was hired to write two screenplays (my first script-hire-gigs), attached to develop one of my own scripts with Davis Entertainment (Predator, I, Robot), began optioning two others, and wrote a book. In 2007 I need to bring my career to a dead halt. This could be tricky as my book is set for official wide-release on Valentine’s Day and it looks like I will be hired to write another screenplay in January. I shall try to sabotage any success by writing articles that serve no real purpose, such as this one.

Those are my resolutions for 2007. This year I’m going to do it! I’m going to keep my resolutions, because it’s important to make resolutions. They serve a real purpose and are never taken lightly.