Better Late than Never...

I promised a new standup story months ago. Finally, here it is, also posted to my site at www.iancoburn.com/standupstories.html. Read how I helped a guy train for the Olympics.

The gig was a long weekend (Thursday through Sunday) in Grand Forks, North Dakota, at the Comedy Gallery, which was actually inside the hotel at which the acts stayed. All I really remember about the club these days--even though I played it severalt times--is that the hotel had a pool in the shape of a boot. It was in the height of summer and believe it or not, even then there's not much going on in Grand Forks. Shocking, I know.

I was the feature and the headliner was a comedienne out of Florida named Monique (not to be confused with Mo'Nique). By Saturday morning we were bored out of our minds. Her boyfriend, along to see the exciting sites of Grand Forks, was training for the Olympics as a speedskater. He asked if I could help him out Saturday morning; he wanted to video tape himself skating so that he could check his technique. Normally, I wouldn't get up on a Saturday before noon (or any day, for that matter) but like I said, we were bored out of our minds. So I agreed.

Saturday morning we got up and Monique's boyfriend--we'll call him Eric since I can't remember his name--showed me his "summer" skates, used to train in the off-season. I was expecting roller skates but instead, he showed me solid black skates that had one set of extremely narrow wheels. No doubt these skates were the predecessors to the popular roller blades that came along several years later. The wheels on his skates, though, were far narrower than those on roller blades.

Eric's idea was simple--Monique would drive their van down a country road. I would sit in the back with the doors open and video tape his stride and feet as he skated hard behind us. Sounded easy enough. Once I made certain Eric realized I was not George Lucas, we took off in search of a country road, which consisted of driving about one mile.

We drove several miles down the empty road, which passed a dozen farms. "This is good," announced Eric.

We stopped and opened the backdoors of the van. Eric showed me how to work the camera. I didn't pay much attention; I was more concerned with figuring out how I was going to keep from falling out of the back of the van. My balance would be all fucked up as I focused on video taping, zooming in on his legs and feet. "You take off and then I'll come after ya."

Monique turned the van around and started back down the several miles of country road with which we were now familiar. At first, everything went well. Eric kept a nice easy pace and I was able to monitor him. "All right, let's kick into gear!" he yelled.

Monique hit the gas and Eric came screaming after us. He was freaking fast, man, and took huge, powerful strides. That's when I heard the first dog bark. Then another. Then another. The barking got closer and closer.

"Do you hear those dogs?"

"I don't hear anything," replied Monique.

"Huh. I could swear I heard some dogs barking close by."

As I video taped Eric's feet, I decided to zoom out for his legs. I zoomed out too far and ended up getting a good look behind Eric. Four big dogs were tearing down the road behind him, gaining ground quickly. As I yelled a warning to him, about eight more dogs joined the hunt, tearing out from the farms we were passing. In case your math sucks, twelve large farm dogs of various breeds were now barreling down on Eric.

He was now aware of them and yelled to Monique, "Slow down! I need to get in the van!"

Monique misunderstood and hit the gas. I yelled to her, "No, no! He said slow down!"

She kept her foot on the gas and I watched as Eric became a dot in the distance. He was screaming like a banshee. Finally, Monique realized what was going on and made Uey. We returned to find Eric fighting for his life in the middle of the pack of dogs, barking and jumping at him, with their teeth nashing. He was using all his strength to stay on his feet. If he went down, he would become a human chew toy.

We honked at the dogs and scattered them by driving into the pack. Eric, somewhat bloodied and shaken, with his speedskating uniform ripped in numerous places, jumped into the back of the van just as the dogs regrouped and came after him, again. We zipped away with dogs running after us for about a mile before they finally gave up and returned home.

"I didn't know they used dogs in speedskating. Is that a new thing for this year?"

Eric just shook his head and smiled. "I can't fucking wait for winter."

"Oh, let me know when you start your winter training. I can ride on the sled as the dogs chase you from behind and get some good footage of your stride from behind."

He didn't speak to me again the rest of the gig.

Democratic Party Needs New Format

Hilary's win yesterday in Penn keeps the race ongoing. No shocker there. What amuses me is that the dem leaders cry out that the candidates are hurting each other and the party's cause. Hmm. Perhaps the problem isn't with the candidates but rather with the party's caucus format. Perhaps it is best to use the repub approach--a "winner take all" format, as opposed to ridiculously divvying up the delegates after each election. I wonder if Hilary would still be behind if the dems did use that format, seeing as how she has won every large state with the exception of Illinois.

Born Before 1980

This was fwded to me in an email. I normally don't fwd such things but this one made some really good points, so I decided to post it here.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were nolawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk!-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TODEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

God Stuff and Where Have I Been?

I've been working on getting my career going as a freelance writer and designer in all mediums--copywrite for everything from direct mail to commercials to brochures, web content writer, flash designer, website developer... check w/me for what I can (and can't) do!

I realize I never posted up pictures of the God items, or at least I don't think I did. or it's been too long since I did! At any rate, you can find more items at (and buy them here):

http://www.godisawoman.net/merchandise.html

I will be more diligent with posting and will be switching to video and audio formats more, simply because it's faster and easier on my fingers!

Project Finally Revealed

I have been hinting for a while now about "a big project." Well, I finally got it up and running. Basically, my mom's inheritance appears to have been stolen after my stepfather died, by one of his best friends! I quickly learned that it happens all the time and is an ever growing problem. I want to bring attention to it to spare others the ordeal.

You can check the story out at http://www.saveinheritance.com. Please use it as a segue way to discuss the topic with your family, parents, grandparents, etc. You may very well be surprised to hear of their plans for their demise, and you may need to correct it; trust me. It's been absolutely awful. I can't even begin to describe it and my mother's pain.