The Rudy Way

Sorry I've been gone and distracted so much lately. My stepfather's passing last Monday has been somewhat traumatic and been keeping me busy. I will be back in full form next week, although I am leaving town again around the middle of October--going on a trip with my mom that her and my stepfather were supposed to take. Here is my latest column:

I apologize for not having last week's column up on-time. It was supposed to go up on September 21st and instead it went up on September 26th. Unfortunately, on Monday, September 24th, my mom called me in the night to inform me that my stepfather--Rudy--had passed away. I packed a bag and headed out to be with her in Ohio the next morning. I only got access to the site again today. As such, it will be the column for both September 21st and 28th, in honor and memory of Rudy.

I learned some key things about women and relationships from Rudy. They bear repeating.

"If you try to understand a woman, it's your own damn fault." Rudy told me that when I was in my early twenties, upset about a woman who had hurt me. ("Laura" in the book.) What he was really saying was that women are emotional. There will be many times when a woman acts out of emotion instead of rationale; don't try to understand it. Accept it. Empathize with it. Ignore it. Be pissed about it. But never, ever, try to understand it; because, as a man, you won't.

"A lot of people like me. A lot of people don't. I try to spend as much time as possible with the ones who like me and as little with the ones who don't." When you think about it, it's surprising how much time we spend trying to make people like us. Why? Spend that time with people who do like you. Dating isn't any different. If you find yourself spending a lot of time trying to convince a guy to like you or chasing a woman who keeps turning you down, open your eyes; re-invest that time in someone who shows interest.

Here's a catchy little line that gets a laugh and starts a conversation. I haven't used lines in years but I did use this one a few times and Rudy swore by it. It's very laid back, which is a big part of why it works. Approach a woman and ask, "If I won millions in the lottery, would you run away with me?" The woman almost always replies positively. "Can I borrow a dollar?" When she looks at you inquisitively, reply, "To buy the lottery ticket." This gets a laugh and then leads to a conversation. On the off chance that she says "no" to running away with you, reply, "See, this is why you're single. How much would I have to have for you to run away with me?" Banter with her. Chances are she'll mumble something about there not being enough money in the world for her to run away with her. Tell her, "Good, because I don't have enough to even pay for the drink I'm about to buy you." As long as you get a laugh somewhere along the way, you can get a conversation going. If you don't get a laugh, hey, read the entry before this one--"A lot of people like me. A lot of people don't..."

Dirty jokes work on women. Rudy told tons. Women always fell for them, including my mom--who supposedly hated dirty jokes. It's all about the timing and delivery. Here's one that's actually pretty clean: Three couples go to see a priest about joining the Catholic church. He tells them in order to join the church, they will have to give up something dear to them to show their loyalty to God. He decides that they must give up sex for thirty days. After thirty days, the reluctant couples return to see the priest. He asks them how it went. The first couple replies, "Man, it was tough; we had a really hard time, especially on the twentieth day. Wow, she was looking hot that day, but we hung in there and we didn't have sex for thirty days." "Welcome to the Catholic Church. And you?" "It was tough, really, really, really tough, but we did not have sex for thirty days." The priest welcomes the second couple, as well. He then asks the third couple, "How about you?" The guy shakes his head, "Man, we were doing really well but then on the twenty-third day, she dropped an apple. When she bent over to pick it up, I just snapped. I took her right then and there. It was the most passionate, hottest, loudest lovemaking we've ever had." "Okay, well, I'm sorry but you're not going to be able to get into the church." The guy scuffs, "Pfft, yeah, we're having trouble getting back into the supermarket, too."

What I learned most from Rudy was that when it comes right down to it with relationships with women, it's not about money, looks, or style. It's about showing them you are thinking of them. You do that by surprising them with a gift or date that relates to something they mentioned in passing, which they thought you never even noticed. Do something romantic every now and then. Rudy faired far better with women by surprising them with a picnic in a park or with roller skates to go on a surprise skating date, than other guys who dressed sharply, dropped a heavy dime, and spent their time talking about their own accomplishments. Pay attention to the woman. It really is that easy. (That doesn't mean be a sap or "nice guy.")

Here's a little trick Rudy used that might work in your area. He found out where the airlines put up stewardesses. He became friends with the desk clerks of those hotels and they gave him a call whenever a few strikingly girls landed. Rudy then went to their room and offered to show them the town. Of course, that was years ago. Nowadays, you'll have to put a spin on it in order to make it work; you probably won't be able to get hotel room numbers flat out. Use your imagination; maybe you can find out where the flight attendants eat or what time their flights are landing--that would be key because you could be in the lobby when they arrive.

Most of all from Rudy, I learned that life is short and to enjoy it. I live everyday to its fullest and discovered after his death, from his good friends and neighbors, that he thought highly of me and my approach to life. He was happy for me, that I was able to travel as a comedian during my "early years" and that I have a book out, which is selling well and helping others lead happier lives. It makes sense, since, in a way, I'm really trying to teach people what he taught me. "Tomorrow is not another day; tomorrow is today's backup plan." That philosophy of mine came from a combination of myself, Rudy, and "Carpe diem" from Dead Poets Society. I thought highly of you, too, Rudy. Thanks for all the advice and for being there when I needed it. I will do my best to spread your philosophy and keep it alive.