Next Book Excerpt

Hey All,

My sister has her kids back, all is well, I am back! So wipe your eyes w/your Kleenex for the last time... and read.

With all the questions I've been receiving and what I've seen on the Internet, it is clear that two more books are needed--each streamlining and expanding dating advice for each sex. I never intended God to be a dating bible, just to be my funny stories with some dating advice. As such, I decided to actually write two dating advice books. The books will cover everything--from meeting through problems in the relationship. Here is one of the chapters for you perusal. (While I'm writing these books, I am also working on other books, unrelated to dating and sex; they are creative fiction works.)

This hasn't been edited by the editor, yet, of course, as I only started writing this week. The book for guys is first and it is rolling along; I am already 32 pages in to it. Hell, I've even left in the description of the drawing I want in this chapter. (This is also the column for "Lunch is Not a Date" this week and you can get a pdf copy there for easy reading--http://www.lunchisnotadate.com/.)

(This is an excerpt from Ian Coburn’s pending new book—Lunch is Not a Date – Get Comfortable with Women not Your Game. All copyright laws apply and Ian Coburn holds all copyrights. 2008.)


Actions Speak Louder than Words, Scaredy Cat

As I unpacked my gear following a three month road tour after graduating college, I was exhausted from four years of college intermingled with comedy excursions lasting up to a month, then capped off with the three month road tour. I finally took some much needed time to just relax.

While unpacking my boxes from years away at school, I came across my high school yearbooks. I then did something I had never taken the time to do before—I read all the signatures, word for word. (Really, when you know a lot of people in high school, you spend a lot more time passing your yearbook around in a rush to get as many signatures as possible than you do reading those signatures. Hell, I didn’t even know where some of my good friends had signed!) I wish I had taken the time to read the signatures back in high school.

I quickly discovered that a lot of girls I liked had liked me, too, and had dropped me plenty of hints. Truthfully, I had read some of these girls’ signatures back in high school as soon as I could after they signed, because they were very hot and sexy, and always friendly to me. A little older and wiser, I realized in high school I was a moron. Girls commented on how wonderful I was and how cool it was to know me; that they looked forward to seeing me each day and that I was one of the few, sincere nice guys. One girl in particular, Margaret, wrote, “Ian, you are the coolest guy ever. If anyone else ever says otherwise, I’ll kick their ass! :) I look forward to seeing you everyday. Love, Your Friend, Margaret.” See what a fucking idiot I was?

Margaret sat in front of me in history class our junior year. She was one of the prettiest girls in school with pretty eyes, long brown hair, a great body that was always trying to burst out in various places under her tight fitting clothes, and stood about 5’3”. (You’ll notice I don’t use a numbering system to describe women—“She was a nine and ¾. ” It’s inconsistent and too subjective. For example, lots of guys give women with big, fake breasts high numbers. I don’t find anything attractive about fake breasts and give these same women low numbers. Lots of magazines rate Halle Berry as the prettiest woman in Hollywood; I prefer Claire Forlani. It’s no secret why; I’m a big sucker for eyes. Compare their eyes and you’ll know why I prefer Claire. Also, numbering is insulting to women. Instead, I just describe the woman and you can assign her a number based on your own preferences, if you so find the need.)

Margaret oozed sex, yet somehow managed not to be the least bit slutty. Unlike most of the other hottest girls in school, she was not pretentious and was very laid back; easily approachable. Of course, the smell of her hair and perfume always drifted back to me and left me intoxicated. She was always turning around to chat with me or comment on the lecture, and was very friendly. Mostly, I remember her warm, inviting smile and that I felt very comfortable talking with her, not at all nervous like I did with other girls. At least until the times when I started to work up my nerve to ask her out; then I got nervous and backed down. I wanted to ask Margaret out but she always mentioned a boyfriend or a date just before I had worked up the nerve and was about to ask. Her timing was uncanny. I backed down, mistakenly assuming she was obviously uninterested.

These are the many character flaws in a nice guy, and I had them all:

· Doesn’t pay attention and pick up on signals.
· Doesn’t heed actions over words.
· Overanalyzes instead of taking action.
· Never makes a move.
· Has low dating and sexual self-esteem.
· Convinces himself girls aren’t interested.
· Is too much of a pushover.
· Assumes women know he’s interested without him having to do anything.
· Knows nothing about flirting.
· Assumes pretty women overflow with confidence.
· Puts pretty women on a pedestal.
· Imagines pretty women are chaste, as though they have just been waiting for him to come along.
· Is a scaredy cat.
· Has an overactive imagination and inflated ego.

Margaret always asked me if I was dating anyone or going to this or that dance; what did I do over the weekend? Did I like the same musical groups she liked? Was I going to go to a particular concert? She also complimented my clothes every few days and teased me for being smart, often followed by a gentle punch in the shoulder or a light push. I didn’t take stock of any of this; instead, all I heard was, “I had a date this weekend,” or “My boyfriend blew me off last night.”

Of course, I’d get upset. Why was she dating a guy who blew her off and not me? Ah… how about because I never asked her out? That’s a pretty good fucking reason, don’t you think? I constantly worked to convince myself she wasn’t interested. Yeah, she touched me unnecessarily but that didn’t mean anything; she is beautiful and could have any guy in school. Why would she want me? She keeps teasing me about being smart; everyone knows girls don’t like smart guys. Sure, she talks to me all the time but the only reason is because she sits next to me. And the only reason she sits next to me is because the seating is alphabetical; if she had a choice, she would seat somewhere else. Sure, she was friendly in the hallway and even unnecessarily approached me, but that was just because she knew she’d be seeing me in class, so she was nice so we wouldn’t have any problems, in case she needed to copy my notes or something. Okay, she signed my yearbook “Love” but she closed with “Your Friend.” Clearly, she isn’t interested. In fact, she’s being kind of a tease.

In short, I was a dumbass. Margaret was interested. She threw as many signals to me as she could without putting herself in a vulnerable position where her self-esteem could take a big hit. (It was taking little hits every time I failed to read one of her signals; each time she just thought I wasn’t interested.) Why did she talk about dates or boyfriends? It was always after I failed to jump on the opening she presented for me to ask her out, most likely to boost her ego which just took a hit because I passed over the presented opportunity to hit on her. It also let me know that she was able to date.

You can clearly see how I overanalyzed, convinced myself she wasn’t interested, didn’t pay attention or pick up on signals, assumed she knew I was interested (how, exactly?), had low dating and sexual self-esteem, and knew nothing about flirting (all that teasing she did while touching me. Dah!).

When it comes right down to it, I was a scaredy cat, a mere coward. Why? Because I thought if she rejected me, my life would be over. I’d have to see her everyday in class, still. She would tease me behind my back and make fun of me to all her friends. She’d tell other guys that I asked her out just before they tore off each others clothes and fucked like bunnies. These guys would tease me in the locker room at gym, then tell me how full and taut her breasts were, and how wonderfully they bounced up and down while she road their dicks in her bedroom, surrounded by her watching stuffed animals. (This would be the overactive imagination and inflated ego.)

Was I out of my mind? If I asked her out and she declined, life would go on pretty much as it did before; I’d just be a little hurt for a while but I’d recover. Also, there were nearly 1000 students in my class and more than half were girls! Chances are, I’d like someone else soon. (In high school, soon usually required nothing more than a quick survey of the classroom, where I would have noticed other pretty girls I had ignored because my head was wrapped too tight around Margaret.)

Who did I think I was that I was so important to Margaret that she would spend hours of her time teasing and discussing me behind my back and even on other dates? If she wasn’t interested, she wouldn’t even give me another thought and probably no one would know of my failure, let alone give a rat’s ass. The only way that would happen is if I kept asking her out repeatedly and followed her around like a puppy dog. And I would never do such a stupid thing. (Please don’t do that or, if you already do, stop!)

The only way anything would have ever happened with Margaret is if she had made a direct play for me, like shoving her tongue down my throat. For some inexplicable reason, nice guys assume that pretty women have extremely high self-esteem. They know guys are interested in them. They know they can have any guy. When they talk about dates or boyfriends to other guys, they are just being mean and they know it. I put Margaret on a pedestal and made her unattainable. She didn’t make herself unattainable, I did it. It was all me. No one was responsible for my failure but me.

It gets worse. I kept in touch with Margaret after high school and we went out a few times. She attended a community college about an hour from my university. Her junior year, she transferred to my school. I still had not ever made a move on Margaret, even though we had shared lots of alone time. One night she called and invited me over to her apartment. I hiked over and she mentioned her boyfriend, who went to the community college she had attended. She complained about him for a while as we sat on her bed, then abruptly stated she needed to change her pants. “Do you mind?”

“No.” I got up to leave.

“Oh, you don’t need to go anywhere. It will only take a sec.”

She stood up and only a few feet away from me slid out of her jeans. Her yellow panties were painted on her incredibly sweet ass. “Can you help me find my yellow shorts?”

I managed to reply, “Sure.”

We searched the room, looking for her shorts. She bent over right in front of me several times as she reached down to sift through piles of clothes. (This would be the appropriate time to tell a woman she has a great ass, as opposed to using it as an icebreaker.) She finally found the yellow shorts and slipped them over her panties. A few minutes later she commented that it was getting late and that she had some studying to do; I should get going. Bitterly disappointed, I left. Why had she invited me over for only thirty minutes, just so she could talk about her boyfriend and tease me? No… she invited me over so that we could fuck each other’s brains out! It is no wonder I graduated college a virgin.

On the way back to my dorm, I was split between being crushed and being annoyed. On the one hand, Margaret had changed in front of me, meaning she might do more next time and something might actually happen between us. On the other hand, she appeared to feel that I was such a non-threat and I was so far into the friend zone, that she treated me just like another girl and changed in front of me. Welcome back, overanalyzing.

Changing in front of me was Margaret’s last all-out effort to clue me in about her interest for me. After that, she stopped returning my phone calls. I actually got mad at her, can you believe that? I complained that she didn’t return my calls and became bitter. Jesus Christ, what more could I have expected her to have done?

I could go on about the number of times I was invited to coeds’ rooms in college and then left, disappointed that they only had me stay there for ten minutes before saying they had to study or get going; but, I think I’ve made my point. Also, if I re-live too many of these stories, I will start to cry.

Another occurrence I screwed up repeatedly in college was failing to heed actions over words. I’d go on dates with coeds and they’d tell me they weren’t looking to date. Or I’d ask them out again and they’d tell me they were taking too many credit hours to see anyone or go out. Some talked about their boyfriend at another school, even when they were in their room alone with me, folding their laundry, dangling panties and bras in front of me (because I knew nothing about flirting, they had no chance and their action served only to sexually frustrate me and make me more of a complaining, whiny bitch). I always told all these girls, “I’m sorry to hear that. If anything changes, let me know.”

I figured the coeds were either being honest with me or letting me down easy. Two weeks later, I’d come across them holding hands with or making out with their new boyfriend. “I thought you weren’t dating anyone,” or “had a boyfriend at another school,” or “were taking too many credit hours to date!” I’d cry.

“I was but he was so charming, I just couldn’t resist.”

Coeds would break up with their boyfriends for other guys. Hell, some of them got so involved, they would drop classes to open up their schedule. No girl ever dropped a class for me! I became more and more frustrated and bitter. Of course, I blamed the women. Whose fault was it, really? Say it with me… mine!

(Drawing here of a coed searching her room in panties and a t-shirt, looking for clothes, with the caption: “Learn from my mistake. When a coed takes her pants off in front of you and asks you to help her find something to wear, instead, help her take off the rest of her clothes!”)

Last summer I was on a date with a woman and while were eating dinner, she told me she was “on a dating hiatus.” I walked her home after dinner and made a pass at her en route. “What are you doing?”

“Well, if you don’t know, I must be doing it wrong. I’ll try again.”

“No, I mean I told you I was on a dating hiatus.”

“Yeah, I know; it’s just been revoked.”

“You can’t revoke it.”

“I just did.”

I followed-up with a second pass. We made out off and on the entire walk back to her place. A week later, we were dating. A few summers ago, I spent the better part of a night hanging out with a woman I met playing volleyball at a bar. We closed it and she insisted on walking me home. On the way, she told me she lived with her boyfriend. We had sex in the courtyard of my building. Recently, I met a woman at a bar who told me she neither hooked up with nor dated guys she met in bars. She gave me a blowjob back at my place that night.

What changed? I discovered an important characteristic of women: Women’s actions often don’t agree with what they say. When this occurs, heed the woman’s actions over her words. This was a monumental discovery for me. Whenever a woman says something, I take note of her actions. If her actions are in sync with what she says, I listen to what she is saying. If her actions aren’t in sync with what she says, I ignore what she is saying.

The woman who was on a dating hiatus (which was a problem because I happened to be on a “take-a-woman-to-dinner-for-no-reason hiatus”) was on a date with me. Clearly, she was not on a hiatus. The second woman spent most of the night talking with me and flirting, both with words and physical contact. She insisted on walking me home. Clearly, she wanted something to happen, so I made a pass in my courtyard and it paid off for both of us. The last woman said she didn’t hook up with or date guys she met in bars. Really? She was bathed in perfume, her breasts were popping out of a shirt three sizes too small and she wore a skirt that was so high it was giving me altitude sickness. Hm… that’s a lot of work to go through in order to not meet anyone.

Failing to heed women’s actions over their words is perhaps the nice guy’s biggest character flaw, serving to cause him a lot of his misery. Open your eyes, use all your senses and pay attention. If a woman says she’s not interested and acts like it, leave her alone. If she says she’s not interested or doesn’t want to meet anyone, but acts otherwise, stay on her.

Why do women often say one thing when they clearly mean another? There appear to be several primary reasons, according to my female friends (who, by the way, all claim to never follow this practice…). Some women do it as a test of the guy’s interest. A guy who is really interested will continue to pursue while other guys won’t. In this manner, she finds a guy who really likes her for her, not for her T&A. As guys, we know it’s the exact opposite; the respectful, nice guy listens to what she says and backs off, respecting her words and choice. The guy who’s after T&A pursues because he has nothing to lose; he doesn’t care what she thinks or feels, while the nice guy is very concerned about her thoughts and feelings. Other women have been told so many times that they will find true love when they least expect it—when they are not looking—they reason if they pretend they are not looking, they will trick fate into providing for them. Still, some women are burnt out on dating and just say things out of sheer dating fatigue.

Whatever their reasons, most women expect men to know what they’re doing. Ever heard this catchy little phrase? “Men are clueless.” Now you know what women mean; they are referring to guys not heeding women’s actions over women’s words.

Women do not like to be confronted about this practice—or most of their practices for that matter, so don’t do it. Don’t ask them about it. If you meet a woman you’re not interested in, sure, then by all means feel free to bring it up. Be prepared for her to get defensive, though.

The other character flaw responsible for most of a nice guy’s misery is fear. Nice guys are scaredy cats. They are afraid to take a risk, whether it be making a move or simply asking a woman out. Nice guys need to get over their fear of rejection. Here’s a little secret: Everybody gets rejected. Yes, even all the purported pick-up gurus and ladies’ men and yup, me, too. (Why don’t the experts admit to this? It’s not because it would hurt sales, which it might. Nope; it’s because a lot of the experts really aren’t about the women at all. They’re about being the most popular guy. They need to be the guy in high school that they looked up to back then; the guy they were jealous of, yet hated at the same time. Droves of guys coming to them for advice enable experts to be that guy and they don’t want to lose the awe of even one of their fans. That’s another reason many of them keep coming out with new products; when attention starts to wane, they need to kick it up again. Why aren’t I like that, you ask? I was. Want to meet the most popular guy in the room? Talk to the comedian; specifically, the headliner. I got past it; most self-proclaimed pick-up artists seem to be stuck in that phase of their growth.) Guess what? We all live to fight and mate another day after rejection.

The only way to get over fear of rejection is to become at ease with taking risk. The only way to become at ease with taking risk is to develop a thick skin. The only way to develop a thick skin is to get lots of rejection. The only way to get rejected is to take a risk. It’s a cycle, which is why it’s so hard to get started. Ironically, it is rejection itself that enables you to withstand rejection and take risk. Once you get several rejections under your belt, you’ll relax. And relaxed guys come off more confident. Confident guys have far more success with women than nice guys. Get out there and get rejected! It will help you immensely with women.

If you’re in college or high school and are a nice guy, you are now in a great position. You know what to look for in a girl’s behavior. You know to heed her actions over her words if the two don’t match. You know you need to take a risk and ask the girl out or hold her hand or give her a kiss. You’ve learned a very important fact: Women really do want nice guys; it’s just that nice guys need to make a move to find that out. Most never do and that’s why they lose out. You don’t need to concern yourself with adopting some “bad boy” behavior or acting like a jerk or developing maneuvers to get around a girl’s walls. Most women at your age aren’t skeptical and still believe nice guys exist.

If you’re older, you’ve learned some important things but you definitely need a lot more in order to regularly be successful with women. Once women reach their low twenties, many become skeptics and no longer believe nice guys exist. As they get older, they become more and more set in their ways, make the same mistakes with men repeatedly, and they become even more and more skeptical of men.

The difference between women in college and women out of college is the reason why I wish I had been given access to books like God and this one back in college. College provides you with numerous opportunities to meet, date, and experience a lot of different types of women. It is the best time and location to discover what you like and what you don’t. You have proximity, access, and opportunity. Unfortunately, I was one of the many guys who lacked even a little knowledge. College students are the biggest reason I wrote these books and they stand to gain the most from my knowledge, stories, and advice. I hope this chapter proves especially helpful to you college guys out there… or at least keeps you awake during one of those exciting lectures that are always happening on campus.

How to Get Her to Return Your Phone Call

This is an article I wrote for E-zine. I also posted it by request on The Mystery Method Forum. BTW, the Lifetime site is up and running, revamped. You can see my first two answers to women's dating questions here:

http://www.lifetimetv.com/lifestyle/relationships/dating/dating-guy-rebound

http://www.lifetimetv.com/lifestyle/relationships/family-friends/cheating-or-innocent-meeting

Ladies, please send in your questions to Lifetime or me. I will answer them as part of Lifetime (if it is one they send me) or in my column, separately. I think guy's will back up that my answers are solid and accurate.

Okay, here's the article:

If I see one me article about how to get a woman’s phone number, I’m going to punch someone in the face. Seriously; it won’t be the writer, just the next person I see. POW! I’ll punch them right in the face . . . then run away really fast.

When it comes to getting a woman’s number, I’ve seen it all, from asking “write down your email, oh, and while you’re at it, put your number there, too” (she knows what your up to) to literally demanding the number if she won’t give it to you. Then there’s the inevitable debate about when is too soon to call and when is too late; the standard is to wait between three to five days. There are scores of articles and discussions about how to get digits, and when to call; not one about how to make sure she returns your call, mostly because the experts don’t have an answer. Getting digits doesn’t mean squat. How many times have women not called back? Are you after a number or a date? I want a date; thus, I need her to return my call. So, I don’t worry about getting digits.

I concern myself only with the conversation—listening to her and responding, inserting flirtatious comments when there’s an opening. If I’m still interested, I take something in the conversation and ask her out with it. For example, perhaps she mentioned she hasn’t been to a basketball game in a while or wants to check out some new Italian restaurant. I suggest we go—“You know that restaurant sounds really good. Let’s check it out. How about next week?” or “I haven’t been to a b-ball game in ages, either; you know, I think the Bulls are in town next week, let’s go to a game. What’s your number? I’ll check the schedule and call you.” (I live in Chicago.) The typical answer is, “Ah, yeah, I think I can do that; I need to check my schedule first.”

I get the digits and continue the conversation. Why? Because I enjoy her company and because I come off like a hit and run driver if I rush off immediately after getting her digits. Also, it’s quite possible that I’ll get something more than digits. If I realize nothing is going to happen that night, or that I don’t want anything to happen, yet; a little later in the conversation I end it, tell her it was nice meeting her, and remind her I will be calling her about the game or the restaurant or whatever. I’ve accomplished a few things.

One, I’ve shown her that I am paying attention to her. A lot of guys focus too much on their game and not enough on the woman. In fact, many guys really aren’t comfortable with women; they’re comfortable with their game. Those are two very different things. Women notice this and one of their biggest complaints is that guys don’t pay attention to them, more commonly stated as “men are clueless.” Two, I’ve made myself memorable. Who knows how many guys she’s going to meet the night I met her or between that night and the time I call? I need to stand out. Third, I’ve created a reason to call which involves a deadline; I don’t have to worry about calling too soon and how she might interpret that because I have a clear reason. Fourth, I’ve practically guaranteed she will return my call because, if nothing else, there is a very strong chance she will feel obligated to call and cancel our tentative date. The bigger the first date I suggest, the greater the odds she will feel obligated to call me to cancel. I’ve suggested expensive theater, concerts, and the symphony as a first date; way too much but that’s where the conversation went. Fifth, I’ve come off showing lots of confidence, which women tend to prefer. Finally, with her return call, I have the opportunity to reconnect, which is what I’m really after.

I use this practice a lot. It’s been at least four years since a woman hasn’t returned my call. When she does return my call and we reconnect, the result is me usually suggesting a simpler date, like a drink or dinner. I won’t pretend that I’ve always gotten the date; I haven’t. I do get the date about eighty percent of the time, though. Those aren’t bad numbers—100% returned calls and 80% dates from those calls. Like anything else, it takes practice. If you suggest something big like the symphony in the wrong way, you’ll come off looking desperate, so start smaller. (My background is standup comedy; trust me, timing and delivery are far more important than the actual material.) If she talks about the symphony, for example, ask her if she likes other music; suggest an open mic night at a coffee house or something similar in reply.

This technique isn’t based on them being women or manipulation; it’s based on them being human and common courtesy. If, as a guy, I met you out tonight playing darts or something and you mentioned you were a huge Sox fan, and I told you I had a friend who might have a couple extra tickets to the game next Thursday and asked if you were interested, got your number and told you I’d call when I knew for sure either way, would you not be expecting a call? Would you not return my call to decline or accept the tickets? One of the best things I ever learned was to treat a woman I liked as little like a woman as possible and as much like an average person I met, as possible. The more I like the woman, the harder that is to do; but, the more I like her, that is precisely when it is most important for me not to treat her differently.

Quit focusing on your game and getting digits; instead, focus on listening, responding, and getting a date. You’re not in a race to get her number or to move on to the next woman—at least you shouldn’t be; get comfortable with women, not your “game.”

Worst First Date Question

"So, how come you're still single?"

That's it. That is the worst first date question. I have no idea why someone asks this question, especially since the answer is so obvious and already known.

"I just haven't met the right person."

Why is this such a bad question? It breaks the momentum of the date. It shows skepticism. It waves a red flag that you're looking to get very serious, very quickly. It also puts your date on the spot. Mostly, it turns the date into a job interview. Know anyone who likes going on a job interview? Why, then, would you want to turn your date into one?

"Why do you want to leave your current job?" (That's the job interview equivilant question.)

"Because I love it and they overpay me."

If someone asks you this question on a date, kill it.

"I haven't been able to find anyone who could keep up with me in bed."

Deal with that.

Insult Vs. Challenge, Round 1

Now that God is a Woman: Dating Disasters has officially been released, I'm getting some questions on my "courtship" views, for lack of a better term. One question that keeps re-occurring is, especially from women, "Are you into the whole insult the woman to keep her ego in check-thing? Do you talk about it in your book?" There have been a bunch of dating-advice books for guys released lately--which is good because previously there weren't many and guys could really use them--and many of them advocate insulting women to keep their egos in check.

Insulting women to keep their egos in check works on women with self-esteem issues. You can find a lot of these women at clubs (typically the ones dressed to kill, wanting to be the focus of the room), on the beach (often easily identifiable because they are reading copies of "Cosmo" and "Glamour" and have a pile of other chick magazines, as opposed to a book), and so forth, virtually anywhere. Clubs are your best bet, though. I do talk about this technique in God is a Woman. I am not a fan of it. Instead, I prefer to challenge women. It's more flirtatious, playful, and doesn't put them on the defense. It also works with almost every woman, not just those with esteem issues.

Let's take a club as a scenario. If I go to a club, I'm strictly going to dance or to get laid. I'm not looking for my next girlfriend. Clubs are loud and a high-percentage of the women are high-maintenance, needing constant ego boosts, a man who is willing to continually prove his worth, and so forth. I'm simply too lazy for all that. What are the obstacles at a club? Noise, other guys, and, of course, her friends, whomever "she" might be. Again, I'm lazy, so I want to remove as many obstacles as possible using the least amount of steps possible.

A guy meets a woman at the club. He finds out she's a model. He insults her occasionally to keep her ego in check with lines like, "You're not that pretty for a model," and, "They must do some serious airbrushing on your shots." This puts her on the defense and makes things combative. It works because she feels a strong need to prove she is worthy of all the good treatment men usually give her, so she'll come back for more, as she tries to prove the guy wrong. They're still in the club and have all the obstacles thereof but at least he's gotten through her defenses.

I meet the same woman. When I find out she's a model, I challenge her. "You're not really a model . . . you're too articulate to be a model, from what I've heard . . ." I flatter her while I challenge. She's not defensive or combative. I keep pushing. She's a model; she can't be too far from a portfolio or photos of herself. They may be in her home, hotel room, or car. THAT'S where I want to be. If I keep challenging, while mixing in flirting and witty banter, she'll prove she's a model by taking me to the lair of her portfolio. Hell, she may just have a few photos in her purse. When she takes them out and hands them to me, I comment, "It's too dark in here," and turn to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm taking these outside, where there's some light, so I can see them."

She'll follow, not wanting to lose her pictures. There's no time to tell her friends where she's going. Once outside, guess what? No noise, no other guys, not one of her friends. And we're looking at sexy pictures of her. I keep challenging. "Do you have any of you in bikinis? Are you wearing this bra right now?" You get the drift. Wherever I wind up with her, we're alone. She's no idiot, she's knows the game I'm playing; she's been playing it, too. She'll throw me signs about how far she wants it to progress. I've had women take me back to their place and make me wait in the lobby, while they run up to get some of their artwork or photo shoots, to bring back and show me. I've had others bring me right up into their place. Which ones want things to go further? If you can't figure that out, there's no help for you. Challenging removes the obstacles, which is why I prefer it.

Okay, that works for models only, Ian. Use your imagination. Near beaches, I've challenged women to races along the sand. In ski resorts, I've challenged women to contests to see who can make the best snow angel. Again, they know what I'm doing. I'm getting them alone. Women aren't stupid, they're way ahead of us most of the time. They just need an excuse to be unaccountable for what might occur and I'm giving it to them. "He wouldn't give me my pictures back until I gave him a kiss. He was such a good kisser, one thing led to another . . ." In truth, I'm playing more into their hands than they are into mine.

Try challenging. Like anything else, it takes practice to get the hang of it. What do you have to lose? If it doesn't work, you can always fall back on insulting her. No harm, no foul.

Don't worry ladies; my next post will have advice for you.

Jargon Chicago Article

An article I wrote for Jargon Chicago that was recently posted.

www.jargonchicago.com or http://www.jargonchicago.com/culture_dish/meet_you_at.html.

I'll be doing more of these for Jargon, other sites, and magazines. I write 'em because I love writing, want to help, and to help let people know about the book. I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading and spreading the word.

Be Approachable

I promised to post a piece of dating advice for women and had two different articles ready to go, but unfortunately/fortunately both got picked up by two different dating sites for women. I'll post the link and let you know when they get published. In order to keep my promise, I have pasted this excerpt from God is a Woman: Dating Disasters. It's a "quickie"--a short piece of dating advice in between chapters of the book, geared toward either women or men. This one is also on www.godisawoman.net.

I HAVE A LOT OF WOMEN FRIENDS. MANY OF THEM COMPLAIN THAT GUYS don't approach them, whether they're at a bar, sporting event, party, or so forth. Contrary to popular opinion, when we guys are on the prowl, we're not looking for pretty women with great bodies; we're looking for approachable women.

When a woman catches a guy's eye, he watches her for a moment before deciding whether to approach. Is she smiling? Laughing? Does she look like she's having a good time? Is she drinking? Are her arms crossed? Is she arguing or debating with anyone? The guy is trying to determine if she's approachable, if she wants to meet someone. Women with crossed arms or who are debating a serious topic, tend to be much harder to approach. Women who aren't drinking tend to be out because their friends dragged them out, not because they want to be, at least as far as guys are concerned.

Women that don't catch a guy's eye when he originally surveys the room often will catch it later with lots of smiling and laughter. Their demeanor makes them attractive. Look around. Are the guys hitting on the smiling, laughing women, or the sourpusses? Among friends, who gets hit on the most--the smiling, laughing ones or the frowning ones with crossed arms?

A lot of my women friends don't look approachable. They're great women, but they're not sending out a welcoming vibe. Want to meet more men? Smile. Laugh. Have fun. The guys will come.

Do I Look Fat in This?

I've gotten a few emails from people saying I should put stuff up here about dating, given the book, maybe even clips from the book itself. I'm not going to do that because there is an excerpted chapter, as well as clips from the book, on the book's website, and because the stories are in the book. It's like when I did radio to plug comedy shows for the clubs. If you do your act on radio, people have already heard it when they show up to the club. I feel bad that people pay to hear something they've already heard, so I did other, still funny things, on the radio.

Instead, I will post articles I'm writing for dating websites or magazines that tie into the book. These articles are similar to the "Quickies" in the book--one to two pages of dating advice for men or women in between chapters. This first one is for the guys, although women will find it interesting. I'll post one for the women later in the week. Thanks everyone for your suggestions and I hope this works for ya.

“Do I look fat in this?”
“Which should I wear, the red blouse or the white one?”
“Do you think she’s prettier than me?”

Aaargh! It’s enough to make a guy pull his hair out. We’ve all been asked them, we’ve all fallen victim to them, and we all have to deal with them. What are they? The absolutely ridiculous questions girlfriends or wives ask.

We’re not going to answer whether a woman looks fat in something, we don’t know what a blouse is, and no one is prettier than our beloved. So why do they ask these questions? It’s not the answer they’re after; they’re after the WAY we answer. Why did you hesitate when she asked if she looked fat? Why did you have to look at the woman before answering she wasn’t prettier? It’s a ridiculous, annoying game, which we can never seem to win . . . or can we?

I have never had to deal with the stupid questions women ask while dating more than once for each woman I’ve dated. What? How is that possible? What’s my tactic? I simply threaten to withhold sex for a month any time they ask a stupid question . . . woo, THAT was funny! I beat the question with complete absurdity. I give her nowhere to go, no reason to get angry. The only thing she can do is stop playing the game. How do I use absurdity? Here are my answers to the above questions:

“Do I look fat in this?”
“I’m sorry, did you say something? I wasn’t paying attention. I was too focused on holding onto this chair to avoid being sucked into your gravitational pull.”

“Which should I wear, the red blouse or the white one?”
“Wear the white one, I was planning to wear the red.”

“Do you think she’s prettier than me?”
“I would sell you into white slavery if she would just talk to me.”

See? There’s nowhere for her to go. I’ve left her no room. My comments are so outlandish all she can do is laugh. And, more importantly, never play the question game with me again.

So the next time you get asked some dumbass question by your girlfriend or wife, intended to find fault with you no matter how you answer or what you say, crush it with an outlandish response. Of course, I should tell you that I think my current girlfriend is slowly poisoning me with a pinch of antifreeze in all of my drinks because of my outlandish answer, but hey, I’m sure all you guys would agree that is far preferable to playing the question game.

All tongue in cheek aside, if your significant other asks these questions, there is a good chance she feels you are taking her for granted. She may ask which blouse you think she should wear because she is hoping you'll notice she bought a new blouse to look good for you, and so forth. Pay closer attention and offer more sincere compliments, about things she thinks you don't notice.

Ladies, two key things to remember about men: First, we spend a great deal of our time trying to figure out how to get you out of your clothes, which leaves us very little focus for noticing the clothes themselves, which is why we suck on clothes questions. The tighter, skimpier, sexier the clothes, the more we want to take them off, often making them even less memorable. So while an expensive tight shirt is very memorable to you, it may not be to us, because all we can think when we see you in it is "Wow!" and nothing else--a compliment to the shirt and you, just not the one for which you were looking. Second, we are with you because we think you are the prettiest woman with the best taste. When we take you for granted, you're better off giving us a swift kick in the ass with a direct approach, as opposed to expecting us to figure out the real meaning behind your questions. Notice how men tend to communicate with each other? Very directly with jocular name calling. So next time you're about to ask a question, try something like, "Hey, Mr. I-didn't-notice-my-girlfriend-got-a-new blouse for this party, do you think I should wear it or this old one? Or do you even care?" You're far more likely to hear, "Is that a new blouse? I'm sorry I didn't notice, it looks great." And, more importantly, he'll get your drift.