How to Get Her to Return Your Phone Call

This is an article I wrote for E-zine. I also posted it by request on The Mystery Method Forum. BTW, the Lifetime site is up and running, revamped. You can see my first two answers to women's dating questions here:

http://www.lifetimetv.com/lifestyle/relationships/dating/dating-guy-rebound

http://www.lifetimetv.com/lifestyle/relationships/family-friends/cheating-or-innocent-meeting

Ladies, please send in your questions to Lifetime or me. I will answer them as part of Lifetime (if it is one they send me) or in my column, separately. I think guy's will back up that my answers are solid and accurate.

Okay, here's the article:

If I see one me article about how to get a woman’s phone number, I’m going to punch someone in the face. Seriously; it won’t be the writer, just the next person I see. POW! I’ll punch them right in the face . . . then run away really fast.

When it comes to getting a woman’s number, I’ve seen it all, from asking “write down your email, oh, and while you’re at it, put your number there, too” (she knows what your up to) to literally demanding the number if she won’t give it to you. Then there’s the inevitable debate about when is too soon to call and when is too late; the standard is to wait between three to five days. There are scores of articles and discussions about how to get digits, and when to call; not one about how to make sure she returns your call, mostly because the experts don’t have an answer. Getting digits doesn’t mean squat. How many times have women not called back? Are you after a number or a date? I want a date; thus, I need her to return my call. So, I don’t worry about getting digits.

I concern myself only with the conversation—listening to her and responding, inserting flirtatious comments when there’s an opening. If I’m still interested, I take something in the conversation and ask her out with it. For example, perhaps she mentioned she hasn’t been to a basketball game in a while or wants to check out some new Italian restaurant. I suggest we go—“You know that restaurant sounds really good. Let’s check it out. How about next week?” or “I haven’t been to a b-ball game in ages, either; you know, I think the Bulls are in town next week, let’s go to a game. What’s your number? I’ll check the schedule and call you.” (I live in Chicago.) The typical answer is, “Ah, yeah, I think I can do that; I need to check my schedule first.”

I get the digits and continue the conversation. Why? Because I enjoy her company and because I come off like a hit and run driver if I rush off immediately after getting her digits. Also, it’s quite possible that I’ll get something more than digits. If I realize nothing is going to happen that night, or that I don’t want anything to happen, yet; a little later in the conversation I end it, tell her it was nice meeting her, and remind her I will be calling her about the game or the restaurant or whatever. I’ve accomplished a few things.

One, I’ve shown her that I am paying attention to her. A lot of guys focus too much on their game and not enough on the woman. In fact, many guys really aren’t comfortable with women; they’re comfortable with their game. Those are two very different things. Women notice this and one of their biggest complaints is that guys don’t pay attention to them, more commonly stated as “men are clueless.” Two, I’ve made myself memorable. Who knows how many guys she’s going to meet the night I met her or between that night and the time I call? I need to stand out. Third, I’ve created a reason to call which involves a deadline; I don’t have to worry about calling too soon and how she might interpret that because I have a clear reason. Fourth, I’ve practically guaranteed she will return my call because, if nothing else, there is a very strong chance she will feel obligated to call and cancel our tentative date. The bigger the first date I suggest, the greater the odds she will feel obligated to call me to cancel. I’ve suggested expensive theater, concerts, and the symphony as a first date; way too much but that’s where the conversation went. Fifth, I’ve come off showing lots of confidence, which women tend to prefer. Finally, with her return call, I have the opportunity to reconnect, which is what I’m really after.

I use this practice a lot. It’s been at least four years since a woman hasn’t returned my call. When she does return my call and we reconnect, the result is me usually suggesting a simpler date, like a drink or dinner. I won’t pretend that I’ve always gotten the date; I haven’t. I do get the date about eighty percent of the time, though. Those aren’t bad numbers—100% returned calls and 80% dates from those calls. Like anything else, it takes practice. If you suggest something big like the symphony in the wrong way, you’ll come off looking desperate, so start smaller. (My background is standup comedy; trust me, timing and delivery are far more important than the actual material.) If she talks about the symphony, for example, ask her if she likes other music; suggest an open mic night at a coffee house or something similar in reply.

This technique isn’t based on them being women or manipulation; it’s based on them being human and common courtesy. If, as a guy, I met you out tonight playing darts or something and you mentioned you were a huge Sox fan, and I told you I had a friend who might have a couple extra tickets to the game next Thursday and asked if you were interested, got your number and told you I’d call when I knew for sure either way, would you not be expecting a call? Would you not return my call to decline or accept the tickets? One of the best things I ever learned was to treat a woman I liked as little like a woman as possible and as much like an average person I met, as possible. The more I like the woman, the harder that is to do; but, the more I like her, that is precisely when it is most important for me not to treat her differently.

Quit focusing on your game and getting digits; instead, focus on listening, responding, and getting a date. You’re not in a race to get her number or to move on to the next woman—at least you shouldn’t be; get comfortable with women, not your “game.”