Do I Look Fat in This?

I've gotten a few emails from people saying I should put stuff up here about dating, given the book, maybe even clips from the book itself. I'm not going to do that because there is an excerpted chapter, as well as clips from the book, on the book's website, and because the stories are in the book. It's like when I did radio to plug comedy shows for the clubs. If you do your act on radio, people have already heard it when they show up to the club. I feel bad that people pay to hear something they've already heard, so I did other, still funny things, on the radio.

Instead, I will post articles I'm writing for dating websites or magazines that tie into the book. These articles are similar to the "Quickies" in the book--one to two pages of dating advice for men or women in between chapters. This first one is for the guys, although women will find it interesting. I'll post one for the women later in the week. Thanks everyone for your suggestions and I hope this works for ya.

“Do I look fat in this?”
“Which should I wear, the red blouse or the white one?”
“Do you think she’s prettier than me?”

Aaargh! It’s enough to make a guy pull his hair out. We’ve all been asked them, we’ve all fallen victim to them, and we all have to deal with them. What are they? The absolutely ridiculous questions girlfriends or wives ask.

We’re not going to answer whether a woman looks fat in something, we don’t know what a blouse is, and no one is prettier than our beloved. So why do they ask these questions? It’s not the answer they’re after; they’re after the WAY we answer. Why did you hesitate when she asked if she looked fat? Why did you have to look at the woman before answering she wasn’t prettier? It’s a ridiculous, annoying game, which we can never seem to win . . . or can we?

I have never had to deal with the stupid questions women ask while dating more than once for each woman I’ve dated. What? How is that possible? What’s my tactic? I simply threaten to withhold sex for a month any time they ask a stupid question . . . woo, THAT was funny! I beat the question with complete absurdity. I give her nowhere to go, no reason to get angry. The only thing she can do is stop playing the game. How do I use absurdity? Here are my answers to the above questions:

“Do I look fat in this?”
“I’m sorry, did you say something? I wasn’t paying attention. I was too focused on holding onto this chair to avoid being sucked into your gravitational pull.”

“Which should I wear, the red blouse or the white one?”
“Wear the white one, I was planning to wear the red.”

“Do you think she’s prettier than me?”
“I would sell you into white slavery if she would just talk to me.”

See? There’s nowhere for her to go. I’ve left her no room. My comments are so outlandish all she can do is laugh. And, more importantly, never play the question game with me again.

So the next time you get asked some dumbass question by your girlfriend or wife, intended to find fault with you no matter how you answer or what you say, crush it with an outlandish response. Of course, I should tell you that I think my current girlfriend is slowly poisoning me with a pinch of antifreeze in all of my drinks because of my outlandish answer, but hey, I’m sure all you guys would agree that is far preferable to playing the question game.

All tongue in cheek aside, if your significant other asks these questions, there is a good chance she feels you are taking her for granted. She may ask which blouse you think she should wear because she is hoping you'll notice she bought a new blouse to look good for you, and so forth. Pay closer attention and offer more sincere compliments, about things she thinks you don't notice.

Ladies, two key things to remember about men: First, we spend a great deal of our time trying to figure out how to get you out of your clothes, which leaves us very little focus for noticing the clothes themselves, which is why we suck on clothes questions. The tighter, skimpier, sexier the clothes, the more we want to take them off, often making them even less memorable. So while an expensive tight shirt is very memorable to you, it may not be to us, because all we can think when we see you in it is "Wow!" and nothing else--a compliment to the shirt and you, just not the one for which you were looking. Second, we are with you because we think you are the prettiest woman with the best taste. When we take you for granted, you're better off giving us a swift kick in the ass with a direct approach, as opposed to expecting us to figure out the real meaning behind your questions. Notice how men tend to communicate with each other? Very directly with jocular name calling. So next time you're about to ask a question, try something like, "Hey, Mr. I-didn't-notice-my-girlfriend-got-a-new blouse for this party, do you think I should wear it or this old one? Or do you even care?" You're far more likely to hear, "Is that a new blouse? I'm sorry I didn't notice, it looks great." And, more importantly, he'll get your drift.