The Mating Dance is Flirting but That's not the Real Issue...

(This post will find its way into my "Lunch is Not a Date" column within the next few weeks.)

As many of you know, I recently did an interview in my column with Halima Sal-Anderson and then another with Classical One; both interviews are on interracial dating (IR). (Visit http://www.lunchisnotadate.com/ for the actual interviews.) Since doing the interviews, I have received several questions from black women asking how to do "The Mating Dance."

I have heard the term "The Mating Dance" (TMD) previously in several different circles and each kind of has its own applications. For example, pickup artists (pua's), more specifically Mystery--who is credited with founding the pua technique and community (meaning the on-line one, not the one that's existed for years prior just as a term for guys who were good at picking up women seemingly effortlessly)--states that too many guys ignore the mating dance. They express interest too soon, as opposed to maneuvering around, heightening a women's interest before indicating their own. Psychologists actually agree to an extent, stating that there is a courtship ritual to meeting someone that exists in all species, including humans, and that it tends to be more important to eliciting interest in the female of the species than in the male.

In the term IR's are using it, they are referring to people sending signals of interest to each other, specifically women sending signals of interest to men. The women who have emailed me their questions state that black women are known for not being as good at the mating dance as women of other races, specifically when it comes to "dancing" with white men.

What everyone is really talking about is flirting. Readers of God and my column know that I am very big on flirting, especially citing it as important for the "nice guy," and I provide flirting techniques throughout the book along with examples, illustrating them in the very stories in which I learned them and learned why they are important. I do give some examples of how women can flirt but not as many.

Every woman who emailed me about TMD stated "I feel I've missed out on being asked out by white men because I am not good at TMD." Basically, they are in that annoying state of wondering "what if...;" the state I lived in for years prior to age twenty-three. It is a state many, in fact most, guys live in their whole lives--"What if I asked her out?" "What if I went up to that redhead?" "What if that black woman I saw did date white guys and I just I assumed she didn't?"

The women go on to describe meeting guys on the subway (I'm assuming that's what the "London Underground" is), the bus, in a long line at the grocery store, while leaving a club, and so forth. They are disappointed because they think the guys in these scenarios did not ask them out because they poorly executed TMD. They want to know how to be better at TMD.

Did these guys fail to ask them out because the women sucked at TMD? It seems that many black women believe so; white women, on the other hand, would say, "No, those guys are just clueless." I'm not shitting you on this; black women tend to feel the fault is theirs for not sending out readable, strong signals, while white women always just say, "Guys are so clueless." I get tons of emails from white women asking, "Why are men so clueless?" I have yet to receive one from black women asking the same question. (I know who is who because women always physically describe themselves the first time they email me; I'm not sure why they feel the need, but it is interesting. It does help in some cases, depending on their question, but in most, it is a moot point.)

At this point, it is important to define flirting. There are many definitions, most of which are ridiculous. Dating experts and pua's often describe flirting as any conversation that takes place between a man and a woman. Most commonly those charging for seminars use this definition because if you say, "Hi" to someone they can say, "See? You flirted. Now, pay me $300 for the next lesson." Fucking ridiculous. What about gay people? They can't flirt? Also, most flirting has nothing to do with conversation; rather, it's body language. If I ask a woman what time it is, I am hardly flirting.

Flirting is communication between two or more people which resonates with sexual overtones via a combination of spoken language, physical touch, and body language. Asking someone how his day was is not flirting; asking someone how his day was while simultaneously smiling and running the palm of your hand down his shoulder and arm, is flirting. (Oh yeah, I am required by the publisher to mention that a lot of this stuff is in God; there's copyright laws with which to contend. That's another reason I went with a small publisher; a big publisher would only let me answer the TMD questions by writing "Read my book for all the information on flirting you need and could ever want to know; sorry, the publisher owns all the content and won't let me use my own stuff elsewhere.")

Okay, flirting is defined; great. How do you do it? As with anything else, start simple. One woman stated that she was told to "jiggle her shoulders, wiggle her butt, keep constant eye contact, keep smiling" all while continuing to talk. I laughed my ass off picturing her jiggling her shoulders while wiggling her ass. If a woman did that when I met her I'd be likely to yell, "Help! This woman is having a seizure! Do you have some kind of medic alert bracelet we should read, miss?"

That's a lot of activity to think about and put into play. Keep it simple. Don't try to do everything at once. If you meet a guy you like, when he kids you about something, push him away by gently punching him in the shoulder while commenting, "That's not true" and smiling. Insult him without meaning it--"You're a jerk;" only he knows you don't mean it because you're smiling or laughing while you say it. Twirl your hair occasionally while he's talking. Touch your cheek a few times. Make eye contact while smiling at different times throughout the conversation. Be open with your arms and keep your body toward his. (In short, don't stand there with your arms crossed, not smiling.) Fortunately, our bodies naturally help us with a lot of this stuff. For example, when you are speaking with someone and find the conversation engaging, you will have a tendency to mimic him as he speaks--when he leans forward on his arm as he talks, you are likely to do the same shortly thereafter; when he leans back, you will too, again shortly after he does. It's very natural. When someone isn't doing those things, it is often a sign that the conversation is not engaging to the other person.

So, if you don't over think it, a lot of this stuff will take care of itself. When I say keep it simple, I mean don't go in trying to think about all this stuff. Instead, focus on one or two things. Tonight I'm going to twirl my hair and smile a few times when I talk to a guy I like. Period. Don't do anything else. Another night try something different. When it fits into the conversation, I'm going to ask a guy I like if he's a good boy or a bad boy. Why? What has he done good; what has he done bad. Or, I'll say, "Ooh, tell me about the bad stuff." On another night, combine the two. By using this process, you'll become a natural flirt, able to turn it on and off at will without thinking about it. You'll touch when you naturally feel a good spot in which to do so, make a risque joke when the timing is right, and so forth. Trust me; I know. I used to suck it flirting and now I'm a king at it. I got here by doing just what I'm telling you, along with watching how other people flirted and listening to what they said.

So, what have we achieved? Well, black women, once you are good at TMD and the guy doesn't ask you out, you can then say, "Guys are clueless." Oh, what a fucking joy! I bet you're looking forward to that! Basically, we've accomplished very little in the end. Why? Because you have not established any control over the situation or yourself.

I wanted to address TMD in a blog before my column this week, which is a Q&A with Leslie Talbot, because there is a much bigger issue here that is the real heart of the matter. Ironically, Leslie and I will be addressing it in the column Friday, so a "pre-discussion" here, given all the questions about TMD, is warranted. (Plus, I've learned that for each person who asks a question, there are usually five with the same question who don't ask; meaning there are a lot of women out there who want to know how to be better at TMD, judging from the number of questions I've received.) Read the column Friday for further discussion and for Leslie's input. I will post this entry as a future column in the next few weeks but given all the questions about TMD I am receiving, there seemed no time to waste.

What did I mean by "you haven't established any control over the situation or yourself?" Exactly that. You're foolishly leaving all the power up to clueless men. (No matter how good you are at flirting, you'd be amazed how many guys have no idea that you are interested. Why? Because most guys get nervous and they are not paying attention to what you are saying and doing. You're touching them and smiling and they're thinking, "Okay, what should I say next?" Ever been talking to a guy and you think he is rude because whatever you say he completely ignores, replying with a completely different subject? Like you ask, "Where have you traveled?" and he replies, "What kind of food do you like?" Huh?! He's not rude; he's nervous. He's busy thinking about what he's going to say next the entire time you are talking, so he's not listening and responding, which is a huge part of being successful when it comes to meeting women.)

All women of every race are pre-conditioned by society and the media--I don't care what anyone else says, or what woman lib claims--to wait for the guy to make the all-important first move. I mean, all the questions I'm getting about TMD boil down to simply this: "Okay, if I giggle and jiggle just right, the guy will ask me out, right? So how do I do that?" EER! Wrong!

The concept of God is multi--it's a dating advice book, a book of funny stories, a book about being a standup comedian; it all depends on the reader and what the reader is looking for when they read it. At its most basic level, it is the very honest, open story I've my personal growth, particularly in the dating world. The humorous concept of God is that we all often blame someone else for our dating woes, even God. (In fact, especially often God.) I used to get mad at women for my failures with them. I finally woke up and realized this universal truth: the only person responsible for my happiness is me. That's true for all of us--the only person responsible for your happiness is you. Your happiness is your job and no one else's.

So why the hell wait for the guy to ask you out? Why wander around for the next three weeks thinking Gee, I wonder why he didn't ask me out. Was I not clear about my interest? I hate wondering, so I don't do it. If I'm interested, I make my move and so should you. Look, if I meet you on the bus and we're talking and you're interested, guess what? Only you know where you get off on the bus, not me! Only you know you are getting off in two stops. Are you going to sit there, hoping I ask you out before then? Are you going to ride the bus till my stop, six miles out of your way, hoping I'll ask you out? Then be pissed when I don't, because I'm thinking Well, she's black and she probably doesn't date white guys, so I won't even try for her digits (phone number).

The point is, you don't know what I'm thinking. And I don't know what you're thinking. No matter how much flirting is going on, that's the fact, Jack. It will always be the fact. It will never, ever change. It is one of the few certainties in life. Don't wait for me to make a move; make your own move. "You know, I'm getting off in a few stops, but I'd like to continue this conversation. Here's my email." "If you want my number, you better ask soon; I get off in two stops."

Now brace yourself . . . I may decline. I might be engaged. Married. Gay. Seriously involved. Stupid. Who knows? Most likely, I'll be refreshingly surprised and take your information and call you because I've received a very strong indicator that I will be successful in getting a date. (The number one reason guys don't call after they get your number, ladies? Fear of rejection. They talk themselves out of it because they didn't get a strong enough signal, in their minds, to take the next step.)

What's the worst that could happen? I reject you. Hey, welcome to our world! It happens. I get rejected all the time. Guess what? I'm still breathing, still kicking, the world is still spinning. You get a few rejections under your belt and it's like water rolling off a duck's back. Most importantly, you won't spend a minute wondering What if? Trust me, it is much better to know than to wonder. Yeah, yeah, I know a few guys get put-off by a woman asking them out. Fuck them. Do you want to date someone that ignorant, any way? He's done you a favor by saving you the vast time and energy you may have spent only to come to realize he's a stone age moron.

Don't make excuses; take control of your own happiness. Yes, learn how to flirt and be good at it; it is important. But don't ever rely on someone else for your happiness. This is especially important in IR dating, where there are so many barriers with which to already contend; eliminate the biggest one immediately.

Hope this helps. Remember to check out the Nov. 30 Lunch is Not a Date column; Leslie will be talking about other ill-conceived conceptions still plaguing women these days.

Latest Column

The latest column is up at www.lunchisnotadate.com. This is a particularily interesting one, as it is another Q&A with a blogger who discusses the issue of interracial dating. He's a college student with some insightful views. Have a good weekend, everyone.

Too Old or too Young? Determining Your Dating Age Range

I haven't posted my column up on my blog in a while. Here is this past Friday's column for "Lunch is Not a Date."

Before we jump into this week's column, I am pleased to announce that the debut Q&A proved to be quite a success. The next Q&A has been scheduled already for next week's column. It will be with "Classical One," a blogger who posts his thoughts on dating black women as a white guy and college student. His posts spark intriguing discussions and debates. In coming weeks, also watch for Q&A's with other authors and bloggers, including Leslie Talbot. Okay, now for this week's business.

Lately, I've had people email me asking if someone is too young or too old for them. They ask whether they are too old to troll bars (if you have to ask, yes, you are too old) or too young to go to certain bars. They ask if they should be attracted to older or younger co-workers. It all really boils down to one question: What is your dating age range? How do you determine it?

First and foremost, realize that dating age range has little to do with your age once you are an adult. It is autonomous to each person. In short, your dating age range has nothing to do with anyone else's, save the person who you are interested in or dating.

In my early twenties, I tended to find myself interested mostly in women who were in their early thirties. This was because I had already traveled extensively as a comedian, seen a lot, and had lots of experiences. Women my own age had little in common with me, whereas women in their early thirties had about the same life experience as me.

Now, just hitting my mid-thirties, I find myself interested in women in their early to mid-twenties. Why? No doubt every woman out there immediately thought, Yeah, because they are young and firm. Actually, some of the firmest, best-shaped women I've been with have been in their forties--nothing fake or fixed, they just stay in shape.

I lean toward younger women right now because I am in the midst of making some life-changes, like working on a new career (author, columnist, and web designer--if I ever finish learning Dreamweaver, Flash, and all the other junk), starting to get ready to save and buy a place, and that sort of thing. Lots of women I meet my own age already have a long-since-set career and a condo. They tend to be sick of their job, usually taken simply for the paycheck, and have little passion for it. They are also often downbeat about dating in general. One woman I dated recently responded with glares of skepticism whenever I complimented her during sex. It is annoying and a complete turn-off to tell someone she is beautiful and then watch her frown, followed by her reply--"You don't have to say that, I'm already naked." That gets old, tired, and annoying fast. It's not only skeptical but insulting to my judgment. What, I can't tell who I'm attracted to and need her to point out her flaws while we're fooling around?

I am obviously very upbeat about dating and my career; I have a low tolerance for women who aren't, when it comes to dating them. I relax, have fun, and don't worry about any dating norms, stupid society rules, or maneuvering tactics; I also don't greet my dates and anything they say or do with immediate skepticism. I also play a lot of sports in adult sports leagues and keep very socially active. Again, these traits tend to be shared with me more by women in their early twenties than by women my own age. (Many women my own age prefer to sit at home, catching up on TiVo instead of playing sports or being social.)

So, determine your dating age range not by your age but by where you are at in life. I am at a place in my life right now where dating significantly younger tends to be the current theme. That may very well change, as I am also interested in settling down, and younger women may not share that trait with me, yet. When it comes down to it, I'm not really dating or interested in an age; I'm interested in a person. (For example, just because I tend to date young right now, doesn't mean I date women who like to hit the club scene or hop from one party or bar to another all night long, endlessly. Not for me and many I've met follow that pattern, so I am not attracted to them.)

Date where you're at in life. You'll be happier than trying to force yourself to date where you think you should be dating or worse, where your friends and family think you should be dating.

Debut Q&A Up!

My debut Q&A with another author on the subject of dating is up at www.lunchisnotadate.com. Check it out; the subject is interracial dating. The appearance on WGN this morning went very well; they have a great morning team there and they make it easy. I'll have it up on the site early next week and keep you posted. Have a good weekend!

Quick Update

I will be working on another comedy story for the site; of course, I will post it here, too. It should be up within the next week or two. This has already been an extremely busy week. A popular cable show is currently speaking with me about being on an episode; would be a lot of fun, so I'm hoping it will happen. I am also setting up my first Q&A with another dating author. I want to do Q&A's with other dating authors and bloggers, as it will bridge some gaps out there and create lots of intriguing discussion and thought.

My first Q&A guest will be Halima Sal-Anderson, who is located in the UK. She blogs about interracial dating between black women and white men. It is an intriguing topic and I read her book, Supposing I Wanted to Date a White Guy...? If you've read God is a Woman, you are familiar with my humorous encounter with a black woman--Aretha. I also have some other exposure and a fair amount of questions for Halima. So, sometime within the next few weeks or month, the Q&A will be my weekly "Lunch is Not a Date" column. It will probably be a two-part column, due to the length. I'm excited about this and really looking forward to it. In the interim, feel free to check out Halima's blog at http://www.dateawhiteguybook.com/index.htm, aka www.dateawhiteguybook.com.

As for other things, I am taking some time to help out my mom. We will be hitting Yellowstone for a trip her and my stepfather had been planning to take (she was going to surprise him with the location), and I will be traveling to and fro to Ohio to help her out with things. Also, I found a letter from my stepfather written to Paul Harvey (he was a huge fan of Paul's), trying to get some publicity for Vets so they could have simple things like current newspapers in VA hospitals, instead of week old one. This makes my mission to auction a celebrity-signed book on ebay all the more important.

Out for now; off to unwind and play some hockey!

Give Us Something To Work With, Ladies

All right,

I promised some dating advice for women, since I posted some a few weeks ago for the guys. I'm starting a new column for REAL CHICAGO magazine, where the plan is to take one question from each a guy and a girl each month. It will be called "Lunch is Not a Date: The Q & A." So, feel free to email me questions. Just go thru the www.godisawoman.net site and click "About Ian" to reach me.

Here's a sneak peak, this is the question I'll be answering from a woman for the debut column:

I met a guy waiting for the bus yesterday. He was very charming and interesting. We had a nice conversation while we waited for the bus. When the bus did arrive, I was totally turned off. He stepped in front of me to get on first. How rude! I was so annoyed, I didn't sit next to him. Why are men so impolite and if I see him again, what should I do? - CTA Rider.

CTA Rider,

That's great that you met a guy waiting for the bus. It's a good place to meet someone. No noise, no distractions, no other guys interrupting, none of your or his friends to worry about appeasing. And he must have some confidence to approach you, out in the open where he could easily and noticebly be embarrassed. Plus, if you're unresponsive, he has to stand there next to you, waiting for the bus. He's willing to take that risk. So, there's a good chance he's a good find, at least enough of one to warrant talking more with him.

Good guys want to determine your level of interest. We'll do minor things to see how you react, to make sure we're not bothering you. If I meet a woman at a bus stop, we have a nice conversation, she's laughing, but I sense she's a little hesitant, I want to gage her interest. A great way to do that is for me to get on the bus just ahead of her. Why? I want to see where she sits or stands. My plan is to grab a seat next to an empty seat or move toward the back of the bus. Does she sit next to me? Does she follow to the back of the bus or stay near the front? If she sits next to me or follows, I take it as a very good sign that she is at the very least interested in talking more. If she doesn't, I take it as an indicator that she does not want to talk further and has no interest. I have to get on just in front of her, because if I don't, some idiot who's not paying attention might sit next to me or get between us.

Many women often complain about the men they meet and date. The men aren't sensitive or thoughtful. The thoughtful guy is reading women, like the guy who gets on the bus first to give himself a chance to read something. The thoughtless guy will let you get on the bus first, then continue talking to you, even if you sit on the back of the bus without any vacant seats nearby, despite the fact that the bus is practically empty. He'll stand there, talking with you, bugging you. And he may persuade you to give him your number and you may end up dating. If you want to meet good guys, you have to give us something to work with, ladies.

This is a case where you, as the woman, have forgotten your audience. Your goal is to meet a meet a good guy. Instead, you allowed yourself to quickly judge him because he got on the bus in front of you, failing to recognize why he might do so. You then didn't sit next to him, making it clear, in his mind, that you weren't interested. Too many times women have their priorities mixed up. Re-prioritize. Confusion in priorities often leads to dating the wrong types of guys.

What should you do? If you see him again, realize he probably thinks you are not interested. You'll have to approach him. Ask him how he's been doing. He'll take if from there. When you get on the bus, see what happens. If he gets on first, sit or stand next to him. If you get on first, get on just in front of him and sit next to an empty seat or push to the back and see if he follows. Come on, ladies, give us something to work with!

Negligence Again and Latest Column

D'oh! I'm annoyed with myself for not posting more often. Fortunately, this has been a very busy week since my last post. Word of mouth about "God is a Woman: Dating Disasters" has greatly increased and my Amazon sales have jumped way up, passing numerous popular books by big publishers. To any of you who have been spreading the word and/or buying copies, I extend much gratitude. It has been a lot of work and the book is doing better than I could have hoped or realistically expected. Word of mouth is the biggest factor in book sales. Hopefully, this is just the start of a successful pattern, knock on wood.

My latest "Lunch is Not a Date" column posted. You can check it out here:

http://www.godisawoman.net/lunchcolumnmar07.pdf

Have a good one, everybody, and thanks again!