$15 Please, Officer

Headed down to Florida for the big day, to see my little sister and her family. I drove it. A bit of a hike from Chi-Town, but standup made driving long distances a snap long ago. Why drive? I can't stand the holiday rush at airports, not to mention the risk of being stuck in one for Christmas.

I've been pulled over roughly 15-20 times since starting comedy in '90. I have yet to get a ticket, although I have gotten some great "getting-pulled-over" stories. Today's goes down in the books as my second favorite.

I was making great time, leaving Orlando this morning and hitting Tennessee before rush hour. I was zipping along at 75 when I saw the flashing lights in my mirror. Damn! Does this cop have any idea how much faster I'm going to have to drive to make up for lost time after he lets me go? He's creating an unsafe situation by pulling me over...

I pulled over and waited. (Of course, I could have outrun him but I wasn't in the mood, so I decided to let him pull me over.) He got out of his patrol car. You can always spot the troopers right away because of the hat and height. The hat has the wide brim and every trooper has to be at least 6'3" to get the job.

He walked up to my window and began the usual drill.

"Afternoon, sir. In a hurry today?"
"Not really."
"You know the speed limit here?"
"Sixty-five."
"Actually, it changes to fifty-five a few miles back."
"Oh, I missed that."
"Where you headed?"
"Ohio."
"Ohio? From Illinois? You're taking the long route."
"I'm coming from Florida."
"Where in Florida?"
"Orlando."
"Down there for the holidays?"
"Yes, sir, seeing my sister."
"And you're on your way to Michigan?"
"No, sir, Ohio."
"That's right--Ohio. And you're coming from Georgia, correct, sir?"
"No, Florida."

These are typical tactics. The trooper goes on a fishing expedition. He's looking for inconsistencies, trying to trip up the driver. If he finds one, it might serve as probable cause for a search of the car. Perhaps the driver is drunk or high; changing stories can be signs of these conditions.

The questioning continued.

"I'd fly to Florida from Chicago."
"I'm used to driving. I was a standup comedian for a long time."

All right, now he'll ask for some jokes. Should I go dirty or clean?

"Is that what you were doing in Florida; comedy?"

Huh? No jokes? Uh-oh, I might be getting this ticket. Fuck, that'll screw up my insurance.

"No, sir, I was seeing my sister in Orlando."
"That's right. Mind if I look in the trunk of your car?"
"I prefer you don't."
"Any particular reason?"
"Just got a lot of stuff in there for the holidays and don't want it all moved around."

He nodded thoughtfully. A lot of people think you have to let a cop search your car if he asks. The truth is, he can only search your car if he asks and you agree, unless he has a warrant or probable cause. Still, even when people know this, they will let a cop search their car, fearful that if they don't, they cop will make things hard on them. Again, not so. Cops are professionals; they won't get upset if you don't let them search your car.

"Why didn't you fly to Orlando?"
"I have a book coming out of my funny dating disasters as a comedian. I have to carry them with me when I travel, to mail out any that are special ordered. I can't carry them easily on a plane."
"'Coming out?' How can you carry books around if they're not out yet?"
"Well, the official big release is Valentine's Day. A lot of times you do a small release first, though; to get reviews to print on the back of the book and to see what the public thinks."
"And what do they think?"
"So far, so good. Everyone seems to like it, even women that are offended by it."
"Why would they be offended?"
"It gets graphic here and there."
"Pfft. Please. The women I pull over are a lot more graphic than the men. I could tell you stories."
"I bet."
"So the women like it even though it offends them?"
"Not all of 'em were offended but the ones that were said they still loved it."
"Huh. You said you have copies for sale?"

This guy was good. I wouldn't let him look in my trunk and he knew how to get me to change my mind. He knew I'd pop the trunk for a potential sale. He might see something that would warrant a search.

"Yeah, I have copies."
"I'd like to see one."
"No problem."

I popped the trunk and got out. I had to pull almost everything out to get to the books. I noticed Starsky searching the pile with his eyes.

"Here ya go."

I pulled out a book and handed it to him. He started to flip through it.

"The idea is that God is a woman and she's screwing me and all men over when it comes to dating."

The trooper chuckled, "Sounds about right."

I checked his finger. No ring. I decided to push.

"The stories are hysterical. Then I use what I learned as advice."

He wasn't listening; he was reading the intro. He laughed. He flipped through, skimming a few stories and chuckling. He closed the book and looked at the back cover.

"$16.95?"
"Naw, $15."
"Wait here."

He handed me the book and went to his patrol car. He returned with his wallet.

"Here ya go."

He reached inside and pulled out fifteen dollars, which he handed to me.

"Thanks."

He then helped me reload the trunk!

"Have a safe trip, sir and please keep it below the speed limit."
"Yes, sir, thank you. Feel free to let me know what you think about the book. My email's in the back."
"Will do. I look forward to reading it."

I got back in my car and started it. Well, this was definitely one for the books. Or perhaps a book. A book of getting-pulled-over stories. So, what's my favorite getting-pulled-over story? Another time; I have to hit the hay. Still have more driving to do tomorrow. And more books to sell. I'll crank it up to 85 to make sure I get some customers...