2007 Resolutions

Well, it’s that time of the year again. Time to make those resolutions that I will follow for the new year. Yup, 2007 is the year I’m finally going to keep all my resolutions. I’ve made some important ones. Actually, I may have made too many resolutions for ’07, but I’m going to keep them all. You can count on it.

Workout Less. I went to the gym five times in ’06, which was just way too wearing on my body. After hitting the gym for the third time of the year in April and then going again in August, I realized I had overdone it. I couldn’t climb two flights of stairs on the Stairmaster, was unable to move up to heavier weights than I had used in April, and found myself panting on all fours behind the treadmill after only fifteen seconds of treadmilling. Clearly, I had hit the gym one too many times. I don’t know what I was thinking when I hit the gym for an overzealous fifth time in November. Obviously, all the excessive working out was not only debilitating to my body, it was also wreaking havoc on my mind. In 2007 I shall only hit the gym three times.

Start Smoking. A lot of people are quitting smoking, which means more of the cooler cigarettes will now be available. I’ve always wanted to smoke, it’s very cool. I see twenty-some-things lighting up in bars all the time and it is way cool. Most of the suave cigarettes, though, the ones that make you look like the coolest of the cool, are always sold out when I try to take up the habit. Not so in ’07. Lots of these cigarettes will now be available as more people quit smoking and as those who smoked the cool cigarettes for years die from cancer. 2007 is the year for taking up smoking.

Have Less Sex. In 2006 I had sex several times, which was way too much. This excessive sex along with my strict workout regiment nearly killed me. One woman even wanted me to go twice in a row, back-to-back. Was she kidding me?! I’m not a machine! I left and threw away her number. In 2007 I’ll be having far less sex.

Gain Weight. In 2006 I only gained five pounds. This is unacceptable. In 2007 I plan to gain at least 200 lbs. The U.S. has the highest obesity rate in the world and I’m not doing my part to contribute, failing to tilt the scales at a mere healthy 158 lbs. There are all kinds of advantages to being fat (should I write gravitationally challenged instead of fat in order to be politically correct?). If you are obese, you could make millions doing commercials about losing weight. You could get a reality show winning money for losing weight. If you get really big, you could make money working the talk show circuit. There are no such things for being healthy to begin with; there’s no reality show about who’s the healthiest or commercials for people who never had to lose weight. Fat is the new thin and I don’t want to be unhip; I’m going heavy in ’07.

Stall Career. In 2006, my career started to do pretty well. I was hired to write two screenplays (my first script-hire-gigs), attached to develop one of my own scripts with Davis Entertainment (Predator, I, Robot), began optioning two others, and wrote a book. In 2007 I need to bring my career to a dead halt. This could be tricky as my book is set for official wide-release on Valentine’s Day and it looks like I will be hired to write another screenplay in January. I shall try to sabotage any success by writing articles that serve no real purpose, such as this one.

Those are my resolutions for 2007. This year I’m going to do it! I’m going to keep my resolutions, because it’s important to make resolutions. They serve a real purpose and are never taken lightly.