Blame the Homeless

Welcome to my first blog entry, glad you stopped by. Enough chit-chat; let's get started (don't use that as a pick-up line. It doesn't work... trust me.)

Last Friday afternoon I was walking through a park in a ritzy area of Chicago. I passed a bunch of teachers and small kids who were on a field trip in the park. I waited while two teachers leading a group of kids, like a couple cattlemen driving a herd to the ranch, crossed the path in front of me. As they passed me, one teacher noticed two empty bottles of Ty NanT on the ground. She turned to the other teacher and instantly remarked, “Tsk. I tell you, those homeless people, leaving their trash everywhere.”

The other one chimed in agreement, “Oh, I know; they just leave their trash everywhere. It’s disgusting.”

Ty NanT, for those that don’t know, is carbonated bottled spring water from Wales that costs $3.69 for one meager bottle . . . before tax. And I, too, hate it when the homeless leave empty bottles of it scattered around the park in a rich neighborhood, like it’s their own personal dumpsite. Many homeless people drink Ty NanT, while eccentric wealthy people don’t. The homeless often think Thank God I’ve finally raised eight dollars. It took me a week of begging and pleading to get this money, and now I finally have it. I’m not going to buy a six-pack or a cheap bottle of scotch or wine with it, no, that would be stupid. Finally, FINALLY, I can buy some Ty NanT! That’s what I really want and need, because even though I can stand digging thru the trash each night looking for scraps of food people didn’t finish, and I can stand sleeping on a piece of cardboard stained with piss by its last user, and I can stand fighting pigeons and squirrels for the empty shells of nuts, and I can stand pushing everything I own around in a shopping cart, and I can stand sleeping in two degree weather wrapped only in a single blanket feasted upon by moths, and I can stand pooping in the open and wiping my butt with week old newspapers, I will be damned, BE DAMNED, if I’m going to drink tap water! No way I’m drinking tap water! Yuck! That’s disgusting and degrading. Nope, it’s Ty NanT for me all the way. The fuck with the four drinking fountains in the park, I want TY NANT!

A lot of people probably think the homeless WOULD buy booze to gulp down in order to help them forget that their eyes water all day from smelling their own ripe stench. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. No, the homeless prefer expensive bottled water. It’s cleansing and wakes the mind, which in turn enables them to take careful stock of their lives. And that’s what vagrants truly want--to take stock of their lives.

On two other occasions I've overheard people complain about the garbage homeless leave in the park, once after seeing Atkins Bars’ wrappers on the ground, and, my favorite, the other time after a PRADA bag blew by. (Not many people realize that the homeless buy all their clothes at PRADA. Occasionally, they do shop elsewhere, but the homeless refuse to set foot in any store that is not spelled out in all capital letters on the store sign.)

So the next time you are in a park and see a PRADA bag or expensive bottled water or Atkins bars’ wrappers, blame the homeless (we all know that they are responsible for all litter). Better yet, find one and kick him in the balls, then, as he’s lying helpless on his back, force tap water down his throat. That will teach them polluting homeless! Fucking no good vagrants. They make me so mad!