Payback's a Bitch, Sis

I have two sisters. If you've read God is a Woman: Dating Disasters, you've read about the older one. You haven't read about the horrible things she did to me as a child, though. Unlike most people I know, whose siblings are within a few years of them, my older sister is six years older. Every younger brother or sister knows what that means--yup, I had no chance of defending myself and she could talk me into doing just about anything.

"Hey Ian, wash the dishes while I watch TV."

"No! It's your job to watch the dishes."

"I'll count and see how long it takes ya."

"Okay!"

"Hey Ian, stand under this tree that's really wet from last night's rainfall."

"No! You'll shake it and get me all wet."

"No I won't. There's a dollar under here, better beat me to it."

I did the dishes. I got soaking wet. Okay, I wasn't the brightest kid on the block, or apparently even in my house. The worst thing she did to me, though, was dress me up in her doll's clothes when I was a tot. Why is that so bad? Mom's take pictures of that nonesense and her acts of cruelty have been immortalized.

Ah, but with lots of patience and a little ingenuity, payback is inevitable.

This year marks the return of the Cicada. I don't mean the Cicada that returns annually, I mean the 17-year Beast, which returns only every seventeen years, in huge numbers. My sister, who now has three kids, stupidly had two boys, ages 10 and 4 this year. Foolishly, she has let them hang out with me a lot, even sleep over. The tykes look up to me. I let them play with my Star Wars figures from back in the day, legos, take 'em to the beach, the zoo, teach them baseball, football, hockey, let them stay up watching scary movies when they sleep over, and so forth. It's all part of my plan of payback, an elaborate scheme that involves the return of our friend, the 17-year Cicada.

Yesterday, I took my nephews out to the forest in the burbs, on a Cicada Safari. My sister was fine with it, not realizing the oldest snuck his "Grand Bug Hotel" with him, at my suggestion. Here are some pictures of the grand event. The first one is just a little branch of what we saw. The second struck fear in my sister as I told the ten-year-old to make like he was about to eat a cicada. The third almost made her pass out as her "baby boy" almost chewed up another cicada at my prompting. The fourth is actually a picture of the oldest freaking me out. He caught a bird. Can you believe that? A bird in his butterfly net.

"Hey, Uncle Ian, I caught a bird!"

"A bird? No you didn't."

Sure enough, he had.

"What are you going to do with a bird?"

"I don't know."

We let the bird go, only because I couldn't figure out how to get it home in the car and let it loose in my sister's place, where it would fly around, harrassing her.

The last picture is the best and my sister's expression was priceless--my two nephews proudly holding a container of their new 107 pets... Payback's a bitch, sis!