Did You Stop to Think?

Put Obama on Everything

2009-01-20T11:47:00.000-08:00

Mugs, shirts, pens, buttons, cards, scarves, pants... You name it and there's a significant chance someone is selling it with Obama's image on it. The economy may very well get out of the read solely due to the sales of products with Obama on them. Want to sell a home or even a raggety, old barn? Paint Obama's face on the side. American automobile owners need only to put Obama's profile on their headlights and they'll be back to selling cars like hotcakes. Replace gas station signs with a giant Obama face and you'll be able to charge $10 a gallon; people will pay it without so much as a blink. Say what you want about Obama; think what you want. No matter what happens with his presidency, one thing is certain: he has already done more good for the economy than Bush in his eight years of office simply by being Obama.

"Sex Drive" Movie

2008-10-31T16:03:00.001-07:00

I've received a couple emails over the last week that my book was stolen by the film "Sex Drive." I checked out the description of the flick and there are some striking similarities; however, it appears to be the basic teen-needs-to-get-laid-travels-to-do-so formula. Yeah, the lead shares my name, graduates high school a virgin, and lives in Chicago, so that does seem a little odd. When it comes out on DVD, I'll check it out and we shall see... Happy Halloween!

Bail Out Wrong People?

2008-10-14T12:41:00.000-07:00

Instead of bailing out the businesses and banks, what if the $700 billion went to paying off all the mortgages for the homeowners? Wouldn't that solve both the economic and individual problems? I think if taxpayers truly had a choice, we'd vote to have our neighbors' houses paid off.

Hooker Porn

2008-10-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

Prostetution is illegal. Porn is not. So, if you're cruising for a hooker, just carry a waiver to shoot a film on ya. If a cop stops you, you will just soliciting for a film. If you get caught back in the hotel room, you forgot to have her sign the waiver... and to take the lens cap off the camcorder. Your bad. Really, people, if you can't think of this stuff, how badly do you really want to get laid?

New Free Ebook

2008-09-10T12:55:00.000-07:00

There is a new, free ebook on my site, www.godisawoman.net. The direct link is here: http://www.godisawoman.net/Articles/The%20New%20Way%20to%20Date%20ebook%20-%205%20Steps%20to%20Great%20Dating.pdf Trust me; read it. It gives you the simple steps I use to date that work every time. These steps build momentum and eliminate all the stressors of dating, like “How long should I wait before I call?” or “Why hasn’t he called me, yet? We had a great date, didn’t we?” These steps are why I have fun dating. Of course, I use my newest relationship as an example in the ebook, so you can clearly see how it all works.

2008-09-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

A guy and popular blogger, Legal Pub, who has become an Internet friend posted today about the serious crime of date rape. Here’s the link: http://legalpublication.blogspot.com/2008/09/actress-dame-helen-brings-date-rape.html

I wanted to point out an additional aspect of date rape along with other advice, which comes right out of God. It’s a story in which I nearly date raped someone, which, of course, surprised the hell out of me. (Please excuse any unusual spacing, etc; it’s a problem with Wordpress and their CSS’s, which occur when you cut & paste from Word.)

The Bitter Babe

Okay, we’ve discussed the bitter friend, but what about the bitter babe? The bitter babe is very different from the bitter friend. She is pretty and fed up with men and dating. Any woman can be a bitter babe at some point in her life.
A few years ago I was at a charity fundraiser thrown by an organization called the 20/30 Club. The club was started years ago by a bunch of young male professionals who wanted to meet more women, as well as help charities. They formed an organization that uses worthy causes and social events to bring professional singles together. Two great activities killed with one stone; what a great concept. The fundraiser was held at a bar called Jack Sullivan’s, which no longer exists, which is too bad because I did pretty well with women at that bar. (Every guy has a few bars where he has good success meeting women, and a few others where he can’t even get women to acknowledge he exists.)
One time at Jack’s, Steve and I ended up standing next to a group of pretty coeds who were looking for some action. They started pulling up each others shirts and flashing one another. It’s pretty easy to hook up with a woman when all a guy has to do is say, “Nice breasts.” Clearly, God—angry that I was successful with women at Jack’s—caused the bar to be closed.
I went to the charity event at Jack’s with a few buddies. We were all looking to meet someone, not to hook up with, but to date. We arrived early enough to commandeer a table and chairs. We were there for only a few minutes when a pretty redhead and blonde walked into the bar. They walked past us and headed upstairs. I noticed the redhead glance back at me a few times. The two women set up shop near the railing of the second floor. They people-watched patrons on the first floor from their post. I caught the redhead looking at me a bunch of times within the first twenty minutes. I sized her up: very pretty, early thirties, 5’7”, good body, nice tight butt. Her breasts were a little more than a handful, which I liked. Her bright blue eyes were the kiss of death. They lured me in all the way, especially with their contrast to her long red hair.
She scanned the room relentlessly. She scrutinized guys. She seemed a little annoyed and crossed her arms repeatedly. She didn’t laugh or smile. I decided to remain at my table for the night and not hit on women. Bad strategy to meet the redhead, right? Wrong. Different types of women need to be approached using different tactics. A lot of guys use the same tactic to meet women. They go out, they approach a woman, if she’s not interested or has a boyfriend, they move on to the next one. The weakness with this tactic is that women notice when guys hop around from one woman to the next. This offends lots of them and is a huge turnoff. It only works for trixies, vain women, and girls with low self-esteem.
These three types of women have a strong need to feel like they are the most desirable woman in the room. If a guy hops around and gets positive attention from the women he approaches, he will pique the competitive interest of trixies and other women with low self-esteem. When he selects one of these girls, she feels like she has won out over the other girls. This is important to her. Confident women don’t need such an ego boost. They don’t care to talk to a guy who is so obviously on the prowl. (Incidentally, if a guy hops around and is shunned by most of the women he meets, which is often the case, girls with low self-esteem will hardly say a word to him; they don’t want to be associated with other women’s rejects.)
This explains why confident beautiful women, referred to by some as “tens” (I’m not into the whole numbering system), sometimes date physically less-than-flattering guys. They know they are stunning and they have nothing to prove, so they don’t have the trixie competitive nature. They don’t need other women to be jealous of them in order to feel complete. Instead, they can simply go out with whomever they wish, as in the case of Nikki Cox and Bobcat Goldthwait.
Why don’t I like the numbering system? It’s inconsistent. A ten to one guy is often a seven to me and vice-versa. What’s the criteria? The system is too subjective to answer that question. Lots of guys give women with big fake breasts high numbers. I don’t find anything attractive about fake breasts and give these same women low numbers. Lots of magazines rate Halle Berry as the prettiest woman in Hollywood; I prefer Claire Forlani. It’s no secret why. Compare their eyes and remember my big weakness with women. Mostly, numbering is insulting to women. Instead, I just describe the woman and guys can assign her a number based on their own preferences, if they so wish.
The redhead wasn’t a trixie. She didn’t show signs of low of self-esteem. She watched various guys operate and seemed to criticize them to her friend. Every now and then, she glanced in my direction. What did she see when she checked on me? A guy just hanging out with his friends. I talked only to the women who were near us or who approached me. I was not on the prowl.
A lot of guys checked out the redhead but she was not approachable. She did not look like she was out to meet anyone. One guy did manage to talk to her at length. He was big, probably 6’4” with a solid build, about my age, twenty-eight. He’d talk to her for a while then go hit on younger women. When that didn’t pan out, he returned to her until other young trixies caught his eye. He’d go talk to them and then return. Eventually, he reduced his hopping around to just the redhead and one young trixie. Who would be the one lucky enough to nab him? Through it all, the redhead kept checking on me. I waited patiently. The big guy’s tactic wasn’t going to work on her, so I didn’t concern myself with him. My friend Steve showed up and I pointed out the big guy while making fun of his tactics, which is exactly what the redhead was doing with her friend. I knew she’d see me doing it, too.
It was really funny. The big guy was treating the redhead and the trixie the same. This is one big flaw with a lot of the books that give advice to guys on dating—they treat all women the same. The advice they give is geared primarily toward meeting, and typically nailing, shallow, pretty women. But, they insist that the advice is good for all women. They basically lump all women together into one mold. Unfair. That’s like suggesting all baseball players are the same just because they play baseball. Certainly not true; some are better hitters, some pitch, some field better, and so forth. It is the same for women, which is why the key to success starts with observation and has little to do with following a set procedure.
The bar thinned out as closing time neared. The redhead stood alone, still watching people over the rail. Her friend was busy talking to some guy; the big guy was talking to the trixie. It was time to make my move. I headed up the stairs and walked over to her. I didn’t say anything but instead leaned over the rail, looking where she was looking. I waited a few moments before speaking, “You’ve been up here all night watching people. So tell me, what are we looking at?”
She pointed to different patrons, “Well, that guy wants to go home with her, and she likes him, and that big guy there looks like a boring fuck anyway, and that guy there is gay and doesn’t know it.”
The “big guy” she referred to was the one who had been hitting on her earlier. She went on about him, “He just wants to pick up some young woman. The whole thing is pathetic, all these people trying to lie their way into bed. I’m so sick of the dating scene. If you wanna fuck me, just say you wanna fuck me, you know?”
Direct and honest. I like that in a woman. It’s a sign of maturity and confidence. I caught a glimpse of Steve approaching out of my eye. He arrived just in time to hear “If you wanna fuck me, just say you wanna fuck me.” He shook his head in disbelief. I could have said I wanted to fuck her. A lot of guys would have, but that was the wrong way to go. She’d know I was just saying what I thought she wanted to hear, and that would annoy her.
She was hurt that the big guy was going after a younger edition and she wasn’t going to put up with that shit. What did she want? To be fucked? To leave with the big guy? She wanted a victory; not a victory as in a guy, but rather a victory in the form of being one up on men. I was happy to give it to her; she deserved it. In response to her fuck-me line, without missing a beat, I gave my reply, “Wow. You’ve stumped me. No one’s ever stumped me, but you just did.”
She smiled, “Really?”
We spoke for about ten minutes. She was very bitter. Along with being upset at the big guy and with dating in general, she was overworked at a job she hated, angry with a guy she was “kind of dating,” and upset with her family. I needed to change her focus to find success.
“Would you like to dance?”
“There’s no dance floor.”
I stepped into her, “There is now.”
She smiled again and I put my arms around her. Steve and I took a few turns dancing with her before he left. After he was gone, she and I began to kiss. Her name was Lisa. Soon the bar began to close. I walked Lisa outside. She did not say goodbye to the big guy, who had since been ditched by the trixie.
I wanted Lisa. She stirred me up and I found her to be a breath of fresh air from the trixies saturating the bars I had been to recently. When we got outside, she immediately hailed a cab. I figured she’d jump in with a quick blurb that it was nice to meet me and drive away. Instead, she opened the cab door and looked at me, “So, are we going back to your place or mine?”
Wow, what a wonderful surprise! I lived closer, so we headed to my place.
Cab drivers probably make their most money picking up a couple headed for a one-night stand. I gave him twenty dollars for an eight-dollar ride and we got out of the cab. A guy on the verge of getting lucky doesn’t want to wait for change. That’s just more time for the woman to change her mind. He wants the cab gone as soon as possible, before the girl has a change of heart and decides to take the cab home. Guys about to have one-night stands make for big tips.
Inside my place things got busy pretty fast. We sat on the futon, where I removed Lisa’s shirt and pants as we made out. She was wearing a sexy black thong and black bra. After a while I went for the bra. She pushed me away and instead tore off my clothes. She was really into biting. She took hard bites at little pieces of skin on my chest, followed by great big bites of chunks of skin. I literally thought she was going bite my nipples off. It was quite painful. She went down on me. My immediate fear was that she would bite me down there, too. (She didn’t, thank goodness.) Something told me this was as far as it was going to go—a blowjob. I wanted more, so I had to make a move.
I stopped her from sucking on me (there’s something a guy doesn’t do often), and went back to trying to remove her lingerie. The bra came off easily but when I tried to remove the panties, she held them on by the waistband. I licked her crotch. I had found this to be a good way to get panties off when women hesitated to remove them. It worked like a charm. She gasped and let go of the waistband. I slid the panties off her. I was very glad I did. She had the best shave job I’ve ever seen. Her bush was this perfect, little narrow triangle, not too big, not too small. She was a natural redhead. I rolled her over and bit her sweet ass for a while, then rolled her onto her back. Her butt was pretty mushy upon touch, which was a little disappointing but I managed to cope. I slipped a condom on and prepared to enter. She suddenly went limp. Her eyes closed and she lay absolutely still.
“Lisa? Lisa? Are you okay?” I whispered.
She nodded and muttered.
“Do you want me inside you?”
She nodded again and muttered. She was clearly out of it, or faking, angry that I had removed her panties under false pretense. It could also have been the alcohol and work stress that suddenly gave her fatigue. She lay there, practically asleep. I thought about it. She was right there, lying naked before me. She wanted me inside her and I seriously thought about it. It would have been so very easy. My faculties weren’t one hundred percent either, as I’d had lots to drink myself. I rubbed against her to see if that would bring some life into her. She murmured as though she were in a dream, “Mmm. That feels good.”
I pushed in just the top of the tip. Nothing. I backed away. She wasn’t kissing back, she wasn’t moving; she wasn’t doing anything. Is this date rape? I loomed over her for a good ten minutes, trying to make up my mind if I wanted to do her or not. She was so beautiful, lying there naked. Also, I had to pee badly, which is impossible while sporting wood, so I needed to finish to take care of that.
I decided that it would be inappropriate and for the first time I could see how a guy could do such a thing under certain conditions. The idea of banging a girl lying dormant held little interest to me. The idea of doing Lisa lying there completely naked in front of me—with a little more than a handful of perky tits and the best shave job I’ve seen—held lots of interest to me. I debated another ten minutes. A battle of will and hormones was raging and will was on the verge of defeat. Finally, though, I acknowledged that I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I pulled the futon away from the wall and opened it. I took off my condom, to help keep the hormones from resurging a more effective assault, and lay down beside her.
I watched her sleep most of the night. When it got cold, I threw a blanket over us and cuddled up against her. She was responsive and cuddled back. Every now and then I removed the blanket to look at her some more, then replaced it. I didn’t take care of my pee problem. I was afraid that if I solved the dilemma on my own, she would wake up and want to fuck. I’d have wasted a great boner, which would have been a huge disappointment to me and my hormones.
I spent about eight hours with a full erection, much longer than the suggested length Viagra warns about in its commercials. I didn’t know such a thing was possible. I couldn’t sleep, what with the naked woman beside me and my current state of excitement. I suppose I could have left her and gotten into my own bed but that didn’t even occur to me at the time. When lying next to a beautiful naked woman, not much occurs to a guy. Even if it had, getting into my own bed would have seemed like wasting a perfectly promising nude woman and no guy is going to do that.
So I lay there, for eight hours, in erotic discomfort. It was torture. God was doing some of Her best work on me. She knew I wouldn’t take care of business myself and She had made me drink all those beers to fill up my bladder. Then She knocked out the naked woman, leaving me in a frenzied state. That Bitch! Lisa woke up in the late morning with a raging migraine. I assured her we had not had sex.
“You know, you could have. I wanted to, but I think I’m glad you didn’t.”
“I don’t think it would have been any good for me with you just lying there. Sex to me is kind of an everybody-participates sport.”
I walked her out and waited for her to get into a cab. I hurried back home and took care of unfinished business. After that, I took the most satisfying pee of my life. Aaah!
I learned three things from Lisa:
· Any guy can end up in a position to date-rape someone.
· Be gentler with women’s nipples.
· There is a right way to pick up the bitter babe.
I never imagined that I would ever be in a position to date-rape someone. I was that night, though, and it took every bit of discipline I had to restrain myself. Hormones are extremely powerful, especially when they travel in groups numbering over three times the normal amount. There are different types of date rape. One type is exactly what it’s called, the rape of a woman by her date. Another type is the one I faced. It’s the type of rape where a woman no longer has the faculties to consent, usually because she’s drunk.
I think this type of date rape is quite a double standard. If a guy and girl are both drunk off their asses and they have sex, she may not be held accountable for her actions, while he could be charged with rape. If a woman isn’t responsible for consenting to sex because she is drunk, how can a guy be responsible for engaging in sex if he is drunk, too? Realistically, I don’t know how many of these cases are tried. Fortunately for both men and women, there is a naturally built-in safety switch: A guy too drunk to think clearly is almost always too drunk to get aroused.
Prior to my night with Lisa, my idea of date rape was a scenario in which the woman is drunk and the man is sober. In such a scenario, clearly the man is abusing the woman. I quickly dismissed this misconception when I found myself sprawled over a nearly passed-out woman, thinking Oh my God, this is date rape. It’s far more likely that both the guy and girl are drunk. Date rape is another good reason to stay away from drunken women. If a guy is inebriated and takes a drunken woman home, he is likely to engage in sex with her. He could be charged with date rape. Just like drunken women who go home with strangers, this guy has put himself in the unwise position of being unsafe. The best play for him is not to take her home in the first place.
I’ve been tough on some women’s nipples. After nearly having mine ripped off in a set of gnashing teeth, I learned to be gentler with nipples—not too gentle, because that’s no good either—but definitely gentler.
The bitter babe is tricky to pick up and can be a lot of work if approached incorrectly. She is worth the time, though, as usually she is not in the mood to play games, so a guy can refreshingly be straightforward. I actually learned how to hook up with bitter babes prior to meeting Lisa, but since I was successful in those stories, they have no business in this book. The quandary with the bitter babe is two-fold. First, she can be any type of woman, which needs to be determined to have a chance with her. Second, she is skeptical and critical of men. She needs to be approached carefully.
I like showing the bitter babe a good time. I feel like I am giving her some things she really needs, namely some good treatment, sex, and respect. Bitter women are mostly bitter because they have been dissed a lot, they feel disrespected. There are often times, though, when I pass bitter women over because I just don’t have the desire to sit still for a long time or have the patience to deal with their bitterness. They can be a lot of work and take much energy.
The best way to approach a bitter babe is not to approach her. Let her observe. Watch how she responds. If she keeps looking over, she is intrigued and interested. She can’t figure out the behavior and that piques her interest. Go over and talk to her. If a guy doesn’t behave the way a bitter woman expects him to behave (in short, if he doesn’t behave like a guy), he may have a chance with her. Bitter babes aren’t looking for a male; they’re looking for an anti-male. I have the bite marks to prove it.

Less Government

2008-08-28T11:03:00.001-07:00

As the big day approaches, I became engrossed in a conversation the other day about how Republicans want less government. I've heard this naive statement many times. In reality, it is the ideas of Republicans that lead to more government. For example, take equity vs. equality. Equity means everyone is given an equal starting point; equality means you have the same rights but not the same rights to the same start. In short, everyone has a right to education but not to an equal education. If an inner city school doesn't have enough books for all their students while a burb school has a surplus, who cares? Equality we have in the U.S.; equity we don't.

Anit-equity is pushed by Republicans. You must work hard for your money and prove yourself. (Unless you're a big corporation and then the government will bail you out of your mistakes. Hmm.) Does that create more or less government? A hell of a lot more. Lack of equity in education leads to more prisons, more taxes to pay for said prisons, more welfare, more taxes to pay for said welfare, more government to monitor and run all these programs, more childcare for parents who can't take care of their kids, more government to monitor children, foster parents, and so forth. If we had basic equity in education to begin with (that's one of the few places where you really need it), all that government goes away. It's easy for someone to say they create less government but look carefully to see the truth; as voters, that's our job. And, unfortunately, most of us fail to do it.

Summer in Chicago

2008-08-22T15:46:00.001-07:00

I know, I know; I'm way behind on posts. And one still won't be up today. Sorry but it's summer in Chicago and, well, I've been living it up. I just got a bike the other day and have been riding it around, writing a bunch of junk, and actually cleaned my place. (First time in over two years.) I will put up two posts next week, the friend's one earlier in the week. Deal w/it.

Peyton Manning

2007-01-07T12:35:00.000-08:00

Peyton Manning will not win a Superbowl. Sorry Indy fans, but it just won't happen. At least not the way he's playing right now.

Is Manning one of the best QB's ever? Yup. Is he a hall-of-famer? Ah, if he's one of the best... of course. So why won't he win?

Football today is not football of yester-year. Back when Unitas played football, players played just against each other. It was eleven guys on the field versus another eleven guys on the field. Manning would win titles back then, no doubt. That's his game. It's his mojo, his calling. He gets to the line, he sees the defensive scheme, he makes the call.

Today, football is something like forty-four coaches, a dozen statiticians, fifty-six assistant coaches... you get the idea, versus all the same positions on the other team. In the playoffs, Manning gets head-faked. Statiticians have a year of stats to know what he's going to do if they show certains schemes. They draw him into making the call they want, and he takes the bait. It's why he not only loses playoff games but why he often falls far behind and even loses big.

At the end of the season, the best teams with the best players, coaches and statiticians are left. Each week of the plaoyffs, the better and better of these groups are left standing. Manning doesn't use his coaches or statiticians much. He can beat the other guys on the field. It's all the other people on the field that he can't beat and he doesn't account for them.

That is why Manning will never get a title, unless, of course, he starts to listen.

Be Approachable

2006-12-01T11:03:00.000-08:00

I promised to post a piece of dating advice for women and had two different articles ready to go, but unfortunately/fortunately both got picked up by two different dating sites for women. I'll post the link and let you know when they get published. In order to keep my promise, I have pasted this excerpt from God is a Woman: Dating Disasters. It's a "quickie"--a short piece of dating advice in between chapters of the book, geared toward either women or men. This one is also on www.godisawoman.net.

I HAVE A LOT OF WOMEN FRIENDS. MANY OF THEM COMPLAIN THAT GUYS don't approach them, whether they're at a bar, sporting event, party, or so forth. Contrary to popular opinion, when we guys are on the prowl, we're not looking for pretty women with great bodies; we're looking for approachable women.

When a woman catches a guy's eye, he watches her for a moment before deciding whether to approach. Is she smiling? Laughing? Does she look like she's having a good time? Is she drinking? Are her arms crossed? Is she arguing or debating with anyone? The guy is trying to determine if she's approachable, if she wants to meet someone. Women with crossed arms or who are debating a serious topic, tend to be much harder to approach. Women who aren't drinking tend to be out because their friends dragged them out, not because they want to be, at least as far as guys are concerned.

Women that don't catch a guy's eye when he originally surveys the room often will catch it later with lots of smiling and laughter. Their demeanor makes them attractive. Look around. Are the guys hitting on the smiling, laughing women, or the sourpusses? Among friends, who gets hit on the most--the smiling, laughing ones or the frowning ones with crossed arms?

A lot of my women friends don't look approachable. They're great women, but they're not sending out a welcoming vibe. Want to meet more men? Smile. Laugh. Have fun. The guys will come.

T-Day: Family, Turkey... and a New Sweater?

2006-11-25T12:29:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving; I am only now just able to re-button my pants after my mom's excellent meal. By the way, yesterday was Black Friday. Michael Richards completely misunderstood the meaning. He went out of the country, took some needed time for R&R, and went to a slave sale. Hey, hey, HEY! He's not racist; he only browsed, he didn't buy. Racists buy. Grr, I'm still so mad at that guy! Then he further adds insult by saying he's not racist. Okay... yeah, right. I feel bad for the guy who had to follow him, that had to suck! No one's stopped to think about that guy. The other comics probably made some first-timer go up.

"No, no, go ahead. The crowd's great."
"Yeah, man. 'Worked into a frenzy' and 'the crowd's angry like a lynch mob' are good terms in comedy."

Poor guy. Anyway, as I alluded to, I headed to my mom's for T-Day. She lives in Rockford, OH, in a house with her boyfriend (they've been dating for nearly twenty years, far longer than either of them was married). For those who don't know, I live in Chicago. Rockford is quite a change. It's a small town in the middle of nowhere. The closest "city" is Ft. Wayne, IN, which is an hour away and hardly a city. So I had to drive it, which I prefer and I must admit, although I wouldn't want to live in Rockford, it is a nice change of pace from the city. It's quiet and there seems to be far more time to get things done.

I was the only one who made it to my mom's this T-Day. My younger sister has her own family of two kids in Florida and my older sister was stuck in a suburb of Chicago with her three kids, making Ohio even more peaceful than past holidays. I do love having the nieces and nephews around, and they adore me because I play with them constantly, but it is nice to just sit around and do nothing. I was wary of not having my two sisters around, though. And with good reason...

While all three of us enjoy going home to be waited on hand and foot by my mom, there is always something that we know she is going to do to make one of us feel like a little embarrassed kid again. Being the only one there, I was her only option to embarrass and this year she was in rare form. (Mothers have a gift for making their children, no matter how old, how big, or what their vocation, feel like the eyes of the world are watching and laughing at them. Mine excels at it; the mom in Everybody Loves Raymond studied under her.)

On my way into town, I stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up my mom a birthday card (she turned 65 on T-Day). While I was there, I met a cute employee with pretty eyes (I'm a big sucker for eyes; they're my one weakness when it comes to women). We got to talking and she gave me her number. I figured we'd get together on Saturday night. It helped a lot that I was from the big city, which tends to intrigue lots of small town women, especially ones like Teresa, who had never been to a city.

I got to my mom's and gave her the card. She thought it was so funny, she insisted we go back to Wal-Mart immediately and buy several more. At Wal-Mart, she coaxed me to the back of the store, where she promptly had me remove my shirt and took my measurements with a tape measure. She had decided to knit me a sweater for Christmas. How nice. We couldn't do the measuring at home for some reason, no it had to be in the store (I think she wanted to buy yarn while she was there). People walked by and pointed while I stood there, being measured by my mommy for a sweater I'll probably never wear. I felt exactly like I was five again. Good times. Oh well, I guess I should be glad. When I was a kid, she would have measured me in the front of the store, where no patrons would miss it. She's getting a little better at being more thoughtful... It was almost over when who should walk by? Yup, Teresa, of course. She stood there and stared at me, frowning, before walking away.

I knew I was screwed but I found Teresa anyway (which is no easy feat. Ever been in a Wal-Mart? I just thank God it wasn't a Super Wal-Mart... you could park a 747 in one of those places and not find it). She gave me a phony smile and I told her I'd call her about Saturday. Much to my surprise, she replied, "You know, I just remembered I have plans for Saturday. I'm sorry." I went from being studly big city guy to lowly mommy's-measuring-me boy. She probably even thought I was bs'ing about being from Chicago after seeing my mom measuring me.

"I understand. Take it easy." I found my mommy and we headed home.

That night over the turkey at dinner, the topic of my book came up. My mom's boyfriend, Rudy, had started reading the copy I gave him earlier that day. (Incidentally, although he wouldn't tell me this, my mom informed me that he liked it a lot. He said there was a lot of good advice in there that would have helped him out back when he was green and that the stories were funny and engaging. This is great news for two reasons. First, it tells me that my notion that the games men and women play when it comes to dating and sex, as well as their thinking, have not changed much over the last several decades, is accurate--Rudy's 78--and second, the book appeals to a broad audience, since Rudy is well out of the 18-45 year-old target demographic.) Any rate, Rudy commented, "You didn't date much in high school or when you visited home from college. I remember that. Also, you've only ever brought one of your girlfriends by."

My mom jumped in, "Yeah, why is that?"

I simply looked at her, smiled, and shrugged, "I don't know. Think you'll have that sweater done for me in time for Christmas?" I took a sip from my plastic mug--mom's afraid people will break her glass ones...

Letters in Bra Sizes

2006-12-05T20:52:00.000-08:00

Did you ever stop to think...

What the letters in bra sizes stand for?

D- "Damn, Dynomight!"
C- "Caramba!"
B- "Bummer."
A- "...Ah ha! There they are."

In case you're guessing, yeah that's a bit I used in the act. Fits here, too, though. Don't worry A-ladies, I make plenty of fun of myself and it's just a joke. You can catch a short comedy clip of me making fun of myself here:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=nR_cIo8J8gI

Feel free to cut, paste, and forward. It makes me feel good to know people will be getting a laugh at work, hopefully when they need it most.

Does Having a Book Change You? Bernie Mac's View on Change

2008-08-11T21:38:00.000-07:00

I get this question a lot. I think it really depends on the author and the success of the book. For me, I haven’t changed at all. For guys like the Waiter, whose book has much more media and success than my own, it hasn’t changed him. That’s a testament to his strong character and sincerity.

That’s not to say that having a book hasn’t changed my life; it has. Given the subject, it has changed dating, of course. I like the girl-next-door-types; the book tends to scare them off, while attracting the more trixie-types, who I tend not to prefer. I knew this would happen, so I was prepared. It’s still, tough, though.

Mostly, having a book changes some of the people around me. Some friends feel a need to introduce me with my book-credit (”This is Ian, he wrote a really funny book”), while others keep asking me when the sequel will be written. The friend it changed the most was Cheryl (name changed to protect her identity).

I met Cheryl on New Year’s Eve at a bar called The Avenue several years ago. She had beautiful eyes and a warm smile, so I liked her, instantly. My friends and I hung out with her and her friends for most of the night. Her boyfriend was not at the party, as he was working. I got her digits before she left. We started to swap a lot of emails and got together for several dinners. I told her if she wasn’t dating someone, I would definitely be interested. (Working to steal women away from their boyfriends is immature and lame.) I didn’t like her boyfriend, though, as he spent little time with her. It seemed more like he was keeping her on the line rather than a real relationship. A few times it felt like we could get something going but she was true to her boyfriend and stuck to remaining friends with me. While I enjoyed seeing her and even having her sub occassionally for volleyball (she was only an intermediate player but the level of fun and personality she brought to the team more than made up for any lack of skill), I mostly looked forward to our conversations. Cheryl was intelligent and interesting; unafraid to speak her mind and personable. I had the feeling that she kind of wanted me to push her into having something happen; that if I did, I would be the reason for a break-up with her boyfriend. She didn’t really want to be responsible. That’s not how I want to start to date someone, so I didn’t push or pursue. In short, once I spoke my mind, I respected the friendship and had no problems with it.

If Cheryl had one flaw, it was her breasts. I don’t mean her breasts themselves, I mean her view of her breasts. She thought they were important but they weren’t. She would reference their small size in jokes from time to time. Personally, as I mention repeatedly in God, I am a butt man. Cheryl had a great ass, a nice bonus to everything else about her. When I wrote the first two chapters of God, I wanted to get some female feedback. I wanted women who I knew would tell me their thoughts; who wouldn’t sugarcoat anything. Cheryl was one of the women I asked. She gladly accepted. The first story deals with a woman who had an amazing pair of breasts. While Cheryl seemed to like the humor and candidness, after she read it, she became convinced that I was a breast man. “You’re definitely a breast man.” I repeatedly told her otherwise but she refused to believe me. There was a strong disappointment in her voice. This confirmed to me that she had an interest beyond mere friendship.

Soon after, Cheryl vanished. She stopped emailing or returning calls. No more dinners. No more great conversations. Fearing she thought I was a creep based on the first two stories, I sent her the rest of the manuscript when it was done, including the last couple chapters where I realize what an ass I had become and made changes, finding my balance. Still no reply. To this day I miss our conversations. Again, her vanishing act served to confirm my suspiscion that she had more than an interest in friendship–if she wasn’t interested, she wouldn’t care what kind of breasts I liked.

I have not spoken with Cheryl since the book was released, over a year ago. I still miss our conversations. I’ve never met anyone quite like her. I still include her in emails to my friends about doing dinner or getting together for a movie, and so forth. Why bother? Another comedian gave me some great advice once: He said, “Never change anything about yourself for anyone unless you love them and they love you.” He was Bernie Mac and as you probably know, he died this past Saturday at age 50. His early demise is a reminder of the amount of time we waste on silly things, like a lack of communication or stupid misunderstandings or allowing others to change us when we really don’t want to change. Cheryl is a great example. If she had just believed me or told me what was really bothering her, we could have easily fixed it; instead, we both lose out on a good friendship–that might have been more when the timing became right. For what? For nothing that has any substance or real meaning.

So, unless Cheryl emails me to please stop including her on emails, I will continue to include her. I can’t control how anyone else lives their life but I can control how I live mine. Remember, the only person you have to live with is yourself. You have to be true to who you are; don’t let anyone change you unless you both love each other. (In which case you probably won’t want to change each other… at least not much.) Thanks Bernie; good stuff.

Bernie Mac

2008-08-11T10:23:00.001-07:00

Not much to say except he was a really good guy; I met him a few times. His death is a reminder that life really is short and vulnerable. Remember that as you live. Bernie taught us all to live life to the fullest. Good advice.

Like Animals?

2008-07-31T09:32:00.001-07:00

Just got back from Yellowstone. I promised you pictures, so here ya go. I took more video this time (bought a camcorder) and will post here when I get those up on YouTube, which will be a while... I have to learn how to edit the video footage, first. Got some great video, though--grizzly eating a deer, bear cub playing, a big grizzly chasing a smaller grizzly, bull moose blocking on our hiking trail--all of it shot within 20-200 yards. Great stuff! If you haven't been to Yellowstone, what are you waiting for? It's awesome! My only regret this trip was that I was not quick enough to get my equipment out to film a pack of wolves chasing down a herd of approximately 40 elk. That's right; we saw an actual wolf hunt, a mere 150 yards off the road. Unbelieveable and a rare sight. Get out there while it still exists!

My nephew is just too cool for Yellowstone.

Sometimes the only way to punish a kid is to drown him... just a little bit.

Nice waterfalls all over Yellowstone.

My nephew in his not-so-cool "safari gear;" he makes it work, though, don't you think? Look for it in catalogs this fall.

Some pronghorn, the only antelope in North America and the fastest animal here, with speeds over 5o mph.

The Grand Tetons, just south of Yellowstone, exist at the end of the rainbow.

Time to reflect a little...

4500 total miles on the trip... you have to do something to keep from throwing up and sticking your head out the window most of the journey is the best medicine!

A grizzly 50 yards off the road, eating a roadkill deer he dragged there. Caused miles upon miles of backed up traffic and we were lucky enough to be right at the front.

You should never swim in mountain lakes; it's a warning in all the literature. You can get hypothermia in minutes, sometimes even less, even in the summer. What? Me? Oh, I'm Canadian, too, so I'm just fine. This is like warm bathwater for me and if the American part of me gets cold, I just pee... Enjoy that bottled water from the mountains you're drinking...

This moose was like 25 yards away from us on a trail we hiked. We almost didn't see him. Fortunately, we did and we just watched him while he took his sweet time foraging and moving on; he actually blocked the trail for a while. A moose is the worst animal you can run into in the woods, even more so than a grizzly or cougar. Moose don't run, they stand and fight and are highly unpredictable, unlike cougars, who will most likely run and bears, who will most likely amble away, unless you are an idiot who surprised them or inspected a carcass they are eating. Fortunately, my nephew was too cool for this moose to mess with.

More moose.

For those of you who want some scenary... I tend to just take animal shots now, as I have all the scenic shots from previous trips.

A black bear.

The chef enjoys his breakfast. Just FYI, 11-year-olds make great Shirpas...

A coyote stops to check us out.

That same grizzly eats by the side of the road, on the beach. You can see the deer carcass just behind his paw.

A more traditional looking grizzly. This guy got chased by a bigger bear a few minutes after this was taken, a mere 3o yards in front of us! (We were across the road and they were on a twenty foot rise.)

Some kind of bird or something; anyone recognize it...?

Same grizzly eating off the road. He headed over for a drink to help wash down some of his meal.

Bighorn with a lamb.

After this was taken, my nephew and I wrestled the bison to the ground; we were a little bored.

Some bison after crossing a river then ambling along the road at night. Bison are starting to congregate in larger and larger numbers, as the re-introduced wolf population surges. At first, the wolves rarely went after bison, as elk are easier prey and plentiful; however, as wolves grow in number, the weaker packs are pushed into the prairies, where they are forced to learn to hunt bison or starve. Ironically, it is the weaker wolves that hunt the bison and in some cases, they gain confidence and strength, returing to elk territory, where they chase the pack away that once chased them away. An intriguing cycle. The bison can defend themselves better in large groups but then have to compete more for food. As always in life, it is a double-sided coin...

Trust me, go to Yellowstone. You can stay in cabins, hotels, camp, whatever; plenty of places to eat in the summer and so forth. It's so big, it doesn't feel crowded, even in the peak season of July. I guarantee you'll see elk and bison. Other animals, it's up to you. Moose are rare to see but we've had good luck; seen some every trip but one. (Grand Tetons are good for moose.) Cougar are nearly impossible; we had one roaming around a campground and never saw the freaking thing. Doh! (One was shot and killed in Chicago, only a neighborhood away from where I live, several months ago! Again... doh!) Grizzlies can be seen if you hit the right places in the early morning and evening, although still uncommon. Black bears are uncommon, too, and I've only seen one at Yellowstone... until this trip, where we saw like 10, including some cubs! Pronghorn are usually seen at least once, while bighorn are rarer. For eagles, it's all about reading the literature and going where it advises. Coyotes are common, wolves are rare (hate people), and foxes are extremely rare to see. (I know! Foxes?! Rare?!) We watched one hunt last summer and didn't realize how lucky we were until this trip. Get out there and have fun! Share your photos with me, though, 'kay? Thanks.

Yellowstone

2008-07-14T22:27:00.000-07:00

Heading to Yellowstone for a while. Will post some pictures when I get back. Cheers!

Big Bahls Done

2008-06-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

The script is officially done! I completed the changes a few days ago and production is set to begin on August 1st. Keep your fingers crossed...

Also, I signed the contract for saveinheritance.com's article today. The coverage will take place Spring '09 and we will reach 100's of millions of people, so I'm pleased. Hopefully, we'll kill this theft epidemic for everyone.

Inheritance Story Receives Interest of Major Media Outlet

2008-06-19T15:25:00.001-07:00

Today I was graciously invited to prepare the story from www.saveinheritance.com and advice for a major media outlet. I was happy to accept. We will reach tens of millions of people, and more likely hundreds of millions (counting their site and traditional media outlets). It is very likely that their coverage will blow this epidemic wide open. This is great news because it will protect countless people, their inheritances, and thus their futures.

They would like to include some more people who have had similar experiences, as additional evidence of how great the problem is. I am accepting your stories until July 15. So, if you want to share your story and be part of the media coverage, email it to me @ iancoburn@hotmail.com. I'll see if I can get you included. (If you've signed a non-disclosure agreement, I will not be able to use your story.) Thanks in advance for sharing your story and helping out potential future victims.

Big Bahls

2008-06-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

I just finished the script today. I won't comment on its quality, yet; my opinion doesn't really matter. The question is, will the producers like it? We shall see... a re-write of some sort will be needed, certainly. Have a good wknd, everyone.

Media Discusses Dems -- What A Joke!

2008-06-03T15:39:00.000-07:00

Obama is in; congrats to him. I hope he is able to win in Autumn and get a lot of experience between now and then... We'll see what happens in the South, where his opponent started running commercials about his church last week. He may walk around speaking about change and all that, but will that carry enough weight in the racist Bible Belt, the place that seems to determine the Presidency? In the end, it all really depends on Bush. If something drastic happens, like a huge drop in gas prices or a resolution in Iraq, Obama may not stand a chance. If, however, we "stay the course" or worse, invade Iran or something, he stands a good chance, providing people can actually clearly see the issues, which is tough when you look at everything via racist goggles.

As for the media, they are discussing what Obama and Clinton did wrong and right. Please, what a fucking joke! Obama and Clinton owe everything to the media. Period. I said it before and I'll say it again, if Edwards' wife had died during the election, he'd be the candidate because he would have gotten all the free media attention. I still believe Edwards was the best option but he just couldn't compete w/all that free media Clinton and Obama got. Too bad; it seems more and more the media and $ determine the Presidential candidates. Pretty scary.

In the Cave

2008-05-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of going into a cave right now to work on a screenplay I've been hired to write. Having a lot of fun and it should be quite funny; think Airplane and The Naked Gun. It's called Big Bahls and you can check out the details here: http://www.bigbahls.com/. I'll update the blog as often as possible; "Lunch is Not a Date" will be updated weekly, as always.

Men are "Jerks;" Women are "Bitches"

2008-05-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

(An advance look at next week's "Lunch is Not a Date" column)

We hear it all the time. “Men are just jerks” and “Women are bitches.” Whenever guys don’t behave the way a woman wants, she or her friends almost always dismiss the guy as “being a jerk.” When a woman doesn’t do what a guy wants, she is a “bitch.” Is it true? Are most of us men “just jerks?” Are women “bitches?” Mostly, no we’re not; the problem is simply a matter of perspective. Ninety percent of the problems in the dating and relationship world stem from failing to consider the other gender’s perspective. And little “expert” advice encourages us to do so.

For all you women who experience this, and there are a lot, pay attention: You meet a guy. He says he isn’t interested in dating anyone. You have a good conversation. He asks for your number. You give it to him. He calls a few times. You have a few dinners. You end up in bed together. This goes on for a while, then after a month or two you start talking about your relationship and he bails after retorting, “I told you I wasn’t interested in dating anyone.” What a jerk! Ah, nope, afraid not; instead of dismissing him as being a jerk, consider his perspective. He tells you upfront he doesn’t want to date anyone. Later, he asks for your digits. You give him your number. In his mind you just told him you are cool with some potential simple slap and tickle. He didn’t lie to you, he didn’t mislead you; he told you exactly where he stands. I know in your head you might be thinking, “Oh, he asked for my number because I am starting to get him interested in dating… now he’s calling… now he’s asking me to dinner… he’s getting more and more interested.” Nope, he’s getting closer to the slap and tickle. If you don’t want that, when a guy says he isn’t interested in dating anyone and later asks for your digits, simply respond, “Thanks but you said you weren’t interested in dating anyone, so I’m gonna pass.” It’s a no-brainer when you consider his perspective.

If you start to consider the other sex’s perspective, you’ll quickly see that we are “not jerks” and “bitches.” For example, a lot of times we men don’t call after sex because you lied and we lost interest. The woman who had green eyes, a 36-C cup, a tight ass, and I didn’t know smoked when we left the bar, just came out of my bathroom naked with brown eyes, a pair of double A’s, a fat butt, and a cigarette dangling from her mouth, now that she had removed her colored contacts, extreme push up bra, and three sizes too tight pair of jeans. We still sleep with you on the spot because… well, it would be rude not to. But don’t expect a call from us, ever. You’re the one who misled us, not the other way around.

Flipping it on its ear, a lot of guys call women “bitches” because when they approach these women and say something witty like, “My friend wants to meet you,” the women tell them they are “lame.” How rude of them. Again, consider the woman’s perspective. She and her friends take time to decide where they are going to go to meet guys. They get dressed up. They carefully choose between a dozen different pairs of earrings, several skirts, and thirty different shoes. In short, they put effort into going out and drawing attention. They want guys who approach to show some effort with some original ice-breakers and to be confident. “My friend wants to meet you?” Ooh, how clever and original, plus your friend sounds like a real confident man, sending you over to talk to women he likes. Score! Sorry to piss on your wet dream but she’s not a “bitch;” she just doesn’t want you cock blocking the guys she wants to meet and that’s totally fair.

Or maybe you buy a woman drinks all night, so you think she owes you her time, attention, and maybe more; please, like you wouldn’t turn down a free drink. She’s not a “bitch” for taking your drinks and then not giving you any action; she’s smart and thrifty.
The more attention you give the other gender’s perspective, the better you’ll relate and the more success you’ll have with whatever it is you’re after—dating, marriage, sex, increasing your Beanie Babies collection, getting a good reference for a job, whatever. And guess what? Dating and meeting people actually becomes fun, instead of a chore.

Blog Radio Tonight!

2008-05-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

I will be on blog talk radio Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie tonight starting at 9pm CST. The show runs for an hour, give or take a few. I will appear beginning at about 9:15 but you should listen to the whole show to get the most information and entertainment.

http://blogtalkradio.modeone.net/ is the link for more information and to find out where to hear the show in your area.

Thanks for listening!

Astute Observation by Tucker Max

2008-05-10T00:08:00.000-07:00

This is an astute observation Tucker Max wrote the other day on his blog about his film project; they are words of wisdom worth heeding:

http://ihopetheyservebeerinhell.com/archives/post_1.html

My reply:

Very astute, Tucker. A lot of people never get this. When I toured hard as a standup I almost missed it myself. If you’re both lucky and tenacious, one day something you start as a simple hobby becomes a job. As soon as something becomes a job, it becomes very easy to overlook the fact that you have one of the coolest jobs that exists. A lot of people would kill to have the same job. You forget these things because your priorities change—you have to pay your bills, you have to keep getting work, you have to keep the job, and there’s a shit load of competition. I forgot this myself until I met a guy playing volleyball one night. He found out what I did from someone else and came up to me, “Dude, you fucking piss me off. I’m so pissed off.”

I had never spoken a word to this guy, so I was more than I little perplexed and braced myself for a possible fight. “How’s that?”

“I pride myself on having the fucking coolest job. I work for the FBI. I’ve worked there for over five years, I get to make up names and go undercover and all that cool shit. I always ask what people do right away because no one ever has a cooler job than me. Until now. You’re a standup comedian and that is the coolest fucking job.”

I had forgotten that; I had forgotten how lucky I felt when I got my first paying gig. After hearing his insight, I made a point of just relaxing and remembering how fortunate I was from time to time. Like you point out, though, the show has to go on; every now and then I would listen to myself during the act and hear what I was actually saying. (Most of the time you’re just in autopilot, telling your bits and ad libbing where needed.) I would smile and have to hold back a laugh; if I listened to what I was saying too much, I would lose my train of thought and the show would fall apart. It’s very ironic.

Now that I’m off the road, people ask me if I miss it and will be going back. “Nope, because I don’t want to do it full-time anymore. I enjoy being able to hang out Saturday night and meet the women I want to meet or to be in town and play volleyball on the beach all day. Trying to work the road occasionally as a standup would be like a crack head trying to take just an occasional hit or an alcoholic having an occasional drink. It can’t be done in my case. I’d be sucked back in full-time; it’s my tenacious nature and the high of being on stage.”

How do I cope? There’s always another way. I re-live my comedy stories from the road in a book. And there’s plenty more where that came from. I get to relax, take the jobs I want and enjoy my freedom writing scripts for hire and working on my own stuff. When big opportunities arise, I won’t have time to savor my freedom and good fortune, so I savor it in moments like this, when things are a little quieter.

I think you are doing the best thing you can do to appreciate the success and good fortune your hard work is bringing you… you’re writing about it. It will keep you appreciating it every time you make an entry, even when it is a chore to take the time and write an entry after a long day or week of work.

BTW, I just discovered these posts and they rock; I’m gathering a lot of useful info on production, something I intend to do at some point myself, for the same reason as you: to keep an idea intact and true. As always, thanks for sharing your experiences and knowledge.

McCain Takes a Step Closer to Presidency

2008-05-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

I have been blogging more about politics lately, obviously because of the primary process and because of the importance. Do you realize that if the dems followed the repubs procedure, Hilary would have been the candidate a while ago?

The system is so stupid I can't believe. I just can't believe it. And I hope the superdelegates are truly super in that they consider the stupidity and misrepresentation the system causes, and then vote accordingly. For example, compare last night's election results:

In Indiana, everyone was allowed to vote--Dem, Repub, Indy, whomever. In North Carolina, only registered Dems could vote. Okay... there was a strong turnout in both states, but in NC, the majority of the state did not vote. In IN, a majority did turnout and they barely chose Hilary as the winner. Obama keeps winning the black vote, most of who tend to be dems. Okay, again... blacks make up about 13% of the entire population. He's winning their votes in a lot of states that only let dems vote in their primaries and where many of the whites, a much larger population, are registered repubs. Why the hell does anyone get excited about such victories? They mean nothing.

Hispanics, now the largest minority population in the U.S., lean toward Hilary. Many of the states Obama wins vote overwhelmingly Republican in general elections (see the map at http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mejn/election/). Hilary has won the large states and looks to win Texas in a general election, an important swing state, because of her favor among hispanics and blue collar white men. She looks to win Ohio for the same reason--favor among blue collar white men. In Florida, she would most likely win in the general election. Finally, the majority of our population is women; and, black, white, or hispanic, many will be inclined to vote for a woman; as opposed to whites and hispanics, who won't be inclined to vote for a black.

Obama is also open to more attack by McCain in the general election and McCain is already gearing up for that attack. Hilary winning would be a surprise tactic that would catch McCain off-guard and cause him to have to take time to regroup.